I was not planning on sharing my letters on the blog, but I feel led to use this month to share some of these...starting with the very first one I wrote.
My Dear Son,
Four years ago you made me a mommy. I cannot even believe how quickly it has already gone, and I now understand why every mother is so quick to tell you to, "Cherish every moment because it goes by too fast." I never dreamed I would have you. Well, at one point long ago I did, but that dream was taken away from me when I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 17. My dream was shattered that day, my heart broken. Then, when I had reached a place in my life where I had accepted the cards that had been dealt to me you came along. From the very first moment I even saw your tiny little body on the ultrasound screen, the size of a little bean yet still perfect, I found a love stronger than any love that I had ever known existed. A love for someone I had never met, a love for someone who everyone kept telling me wasn't even a "someone" yet.
By this point you had already saved my life. If it weren't for you, I may have never known about the cervical cancer that was forming in my body. It wasn't until my very first appointment with the doctor to check on you that they found it. There were tests and talks of what we would do after you were born, but with your birth the cells were cleansed from my body. So many miraculous things have surrounded you from the days before you were even born, my love. You were snuggled safely in my womb as your father and I tracked down your Uncle Brian. I will save that story for your father to tell you, but I remember crying and telling you how amazing it was that you had no idea what you had already witnessed in your short little lifetime. That was the day your father realized that there really was a God, and that He really did have a plan.
Restoration has followed you all of your life. My health was restored, your father's family was restored, and even you were restored. I know you will not remember the first years of your life (although sometimes I do wonder since your memory is absolutely amazing). From the moment I held you that first time in my arms I knew that you had autism. Mother's intuition, God's leading, paranoia, I've been told it was many, many things, but I know it was just because of the bond that was already between us. With your diagnosis came a despair I was not prepared for, but soon after I found a hope like I had never known as we watched you overcome the impossible.
You, my son, are an amazing person. From the very moment God knit you together in my womb He had amazing plans for you. Some of those plans have already been fulfilled, but many, many of them have not. Never forget, my angel, that you are special. Never forget that you are amazing. I will never forget, and forgive me for the times I seem a little too pushy. Know that everything I do is just to make sure that you realize your purpose. I do not know what the future holds for you. I already know that in your short four years on Earth you have done amazingly more with your life than most. Never lose your precious heart. Every time you say your "Our Father" or ask me to pray for someone you love or to pray for the ambulance that passed by, I can just feel the joy our Heavenly Father has for you. You have taught me more than I could have ever imagined. My only prayer is that I can teach you as well.