Mouths of Fire

I cannot express the sheer priviledge it is to be able to walk through life with such a strong group of women around me. The ways that they contribute to my life are beyond words. Well, technically it's not truly beyond words since with every post I am sharing a bit of wisdom that has been imparted to me at some point, but to be able to explain to the full extent how these women have changed my life and how they push me forward just can't be done. I have recently had the pleasure of meeting a woman who has a true gift for Scripture. She knows the perfect reference for anything you are searching for. I just love her for that. She has challenged me so much to study scripture and to pass it on to my children. She may think it's not a true "gift", but it has truly touched and changed me. This morning once again she used scriptures to change my mindset, to refocus my attention, and to begin my own personal journey of searching the Scriptures when it comes to the tongue.

"Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

I have shared openly of my struggle with my own tongue. I have challenged others, like I have challenged myself, to gentleness. I strive to remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). How often do we allow ourselves to give in when our flesh is bowed up with pride, when our face is red with anger, when we feel that we just have to defend ourselves against something? We so easily give in to the harsh words that are seering into our tongue completely forgetting that we are to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19).  



The tongue is like a match. Once lit it has the ability to completely destroy its surroundings (James 3:5), but it also has the ability to bring light. It is up to us what we do with our words because with our words we can bring life or we can bring death (Prov. 18:21). God created the world with His words while Satan used his words to tear it down (Gen 1-4). Whose example are we following?

Every relationship is built with words and the power of our words should never be underestimated. With our words relationships grow and flourish or with our words relationships can end. The greatest of our relationships we have here on Earth is that with our family. We should be guarding this relationship with everything we have to ensure this bond remains strong and united, but so often it is with those we should be guarding the closest that we feel the urge to let our tongue go.

I am the victim of amygdala hijack. As I shared in my gentleness challenge, I feel as if I turn into the beast from "Beauty and the Beast" almost like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How funny then that science would actually explain these feelings of anger that rise up in me almost without warning? The amygdala is the emotional center of our brain. When we are faced with a "fight or flight" situation (any situation that our brain perceives as a threat), the brain literally bypasses the cortex or the "thinking" center and goes directly to the amygdala. The hormones and adrenaline then coursing through your body make thinking of a solution impossible. Logical thinking and judgement are thrown completely out of the window.

Now that we are all coming to the realization that we all are victims of this dreadful Mr. Hyde take-over, now we can truly examine why God instructed us to be slow to speak and slow to become angry. Wouldn't it stand to reason that the Creator of the human body would understand the way that our brain is wired? Would you believe that all it takes for you to overcome amygdala is for you to literally, be slow to speak and slow to become angry? All it takes to overcome amygdala hijack is to take a deep breath and allow your brain a few seconds to send the information back to the cortex for you to actually rationalize the situation.

I love when science and Scripture align (which they do quite often if you pay attention). So the next time someone pushes our buttons or we are faced with a particularly stressful situation how are we going to choose to handle it? When someone lights a match with their words are we going to use our words to pour gasoline on the fire, or are we going to choose to snuff it out? We can stir up even more anger with our reaction or we can force that anger away.

"And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself" James 3:6. As my wise friend shared this morning, we need to be having fire drills with our family. We need to prepare ourselves and our children for how we are going to react when there is a fire in our house. It is not a matter of "if" these fires are going to come, but of "when". In fact, I foresee a lot of fires raging in my household as my children grow, become opinionated, and their hormones take over. I think we will all be wise to learn, and to teach our children, "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Proverbs 17:28.

Results of the Gentleness Challenge

I had challenged myself to 30 days of gentleness about a year ago. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and, as any mom knows, when you're pregnant the crazy just seems to come out! Raging hormones, sickness, pain, lack of sleep. Then I had a 2 and 1 year old to take care of as well. It was tough, but instead of remembering who I am in Christ and calling on those powers I tried to figure it out on my own. The result was frustration, helplessness, and fear that I took out on my children in the form of my voice. When I knew things had to change I struggled with how I was going to do it. Remembering to act out of a spirit of gentleness was the perfect start and was a great reminder of why I was doing what I was doing. This past couple of weeks as my children get older and are trying to be a little more independant (i.e. making their own choices instead of listening to me) I found myself struggling again. Luckily, remembering the spirit of gentleness prevented me from being hurtful to my children with my words, but I needed a little something extra to make it happen on a regular basis.

On Halloween a few friends and I were discussing whether or not Christians should participate in the activities. That's when God revealed to me that it's all about having an alternative! Churches offering a Christian alternative to Halloween is not participating in the pagan holiday it is providing people a chance to enjoy their families in a Christian way and to reach others in the process. Now, this isn't about your convictions about Halloween and I have several friends who refuse to participate. That is fine, I'm just using this example to show you where God led me. Just like Fall Festivals are an alternative to keep people from participating in ungodly activities, I needed an alternative to my behavior. Remembering gentleness was great, but beyond that I needed something to replace my actions, not just my mind-set.

My kids LOVE to sing. We spend a ton of time making up little songs throughout the day just being silly. I use this as an opportunity to teach them little lessons like with my "Obedience" song. It's just silly little words to a tune I made up one day in the car, but it has had a huge impact on my kids. Here's a little snippet, "Obedience, Obedience, that's what God says, Obedience. We listen to our mom and dad because that is Obedience. We're never rude, we eat our food, because that is obedience. We never cry and don't ask why, because that's not obedience..." (I inserted words for things my kids struggle with like when I ask them to do something and they cry and ask why rather than just immediately obeying.) They ask to sing this song all the time, to the point that if I hear it one more time I may pull my hair out, but how sweet that they are enjoying a song with such a sweet purpose. Surprisingly, the fact that they love this song provided me my alternative to yelling! Now, whenever they are being disobedient I immediately start singing our "Obedience Song". It reminds them that they are not being obedient in that moment, and it keeps me from raising my voice, using angry words, or having to repeat myself over and over and over.

Obviously, with your friends and family you can't just start singing the "Obedience Song", they will probably have you committed. But I challenge you to make up songs throughout the day about struggles you have. Sing them to yourself. Instead of counting to 10 when you are upset, sing a little song in your head about keeping a gentle spirit and a tender heart. I've began to use these little songs for everything. To get my kids to happily put their clothes on in the morning we sing our "Get Dressed" song, to pick up toys we sing our "Clean Up" song, etc. It may seem silly, but I'd rather have a day full of silliness than a day full of frustration, hurt, and raised voices. There's just no way to keep a frown on your face if there's a song in your heart!

Gentleness: The 30 day challenge

Having 3 children 3 and under one can only imagine the noise level in our house. During breakfast "Little Einsteins" is blasting on the TV while the kids are jumping from couch to couch either singing along, laughing, or fighting depending on their apparent mood. At the same time I'm trying to get dishes done while they "eat" and the radio is tuned in to the local AM talk station so I can get my dose of local news and conversation. Of course the radio is turned up so I can hear it above the running water, clanging dishes, and to try to cover up the noise coming from the living room.
To top it off I am one of those people who is just "loud." I mean, I am physically LOUD. My voice just carries! Then the icing on the cake, I grew up in a family with four children where, unfortunately, our conversations consisted more of arguing and raised voices than nice, gentle conversation.

So combine this family background with my naturally loud voice and the noise level in our house and top it off with an autistic child who at times doesn't even realize there is anyone else on the planet and it had begun to seem impossible for me to ever keep my voice to a normal level! I began to feel like I wake up screaming! The need to speak so loudly put a major strain on my emotional health throughout the day. I felt like my children weren't listening, that in order to make them listen I had to speak louder. And because I was already speaking loudly the level I felt like I had to reach in order to discipline my children reached levels that I'm pretty sure our entire neighborhood, if not the entire city, could hear. I'm talking birds flying out of trees, dogs howling, make my children's eyes get as big as saucers loud. Mommas, this is not a part of our calling.

Have you ever reached that point where you are shouting so loudly you don't think you can shout any louder? Then some how you find it in you to give it just a little more? I always picture the scene in "Beauty and the Beast" when the Beast is yelling at her to get out when he discovers her about to touch the rose. Why did he react this way? Out of fear that she would touch the rose and it would jeopardize him ever being able to become a prince again, out of anger because he told her not to go in there, and probably a little out of surprise. Seems pretty similar to why I react the way I do as well.(Yes, I know I am analyzing a Disney movie, but if you have ever been in my house to see me scream you would realize just how perfect that scene is so stick with me!) Do you remember Belle's reaction? She is so afraid that she runs not just out of the room, but out of the castle, and runs straight into the wolves grasp as she escapes into the forest. Are you beginning to see why this scene is so perfect for so many reasons?

Commit to memory Proverbs 15:1 (The book of Proverbs is where my entire knowledge of discipline has been learned. If you haven't read it lately you should read it searching for truths about discipline. It will amaze you.) Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I love the New Living Translation which says, "A gentle answer defects anger, but a harsh word makes tempers flare."

This verse is perfect for any relationship, but let's really look at how it will effect our relationship with our children. My children are all still small so that's why the image between Beauty and the Beast is so perfect for me right now. I am at least 2 feet taller than my children, and I promise the fact that I am a very petite person compared to most adults does not make me any less frightening to my kids! We have reenacted this scene many times. I realized I really needed to change the way I was reacting when I saw the same reaction in my children as I saw in Belle. They ran from me screaming with terror, into whatever room was closest, and locked the door. My son was screaming, "I don't want to unlock the door," as I pounded on it so hard I swear the door was about to fly off of its hinges. Talk about giving in to my flesh! I had completely lost all sense of the fruits of the spirit, but I wasn't the one who was getting hurt in that moment, it was my children. My children had run from me and had reached the point where if there was a fire in the house I would not have been able to convince them to open the door. My children were becoming afraid of me, and I knew that once they were afraid of me my chances of being an effective parent were shot.

How did I know this? Insert the scenes that were flashing through my mind while I was yelling at my own children. I saw all of the times my parents had yelled, gotten physical, and let their anger show more than their love for me. Trust me the scenes I remember from my childhood that matched up so well to the scene in "Beauty and the Beast" were NOT the scenes that I wanted to run through my children's minds as well. I knew what would happen once my children began to feel those feelings from me and for me because that is how I had felt towards my parents. As children they ran to the safety of a locked room to shut me out, but as they got older I knew they would run to very different and even more dangerous places. So here's where it led me...

I challenged myself to 30 days of gentleness. I chose 30 days because I heard somewhere that it takes about 27 days to break a bad habit and I figured I'd need a few more days. So for 30 days I did not allow myself to raise my voice. Did I fail at times? Of course I did. At the beginning it wasn't until I was coming up on minute #2 of shouting at my children to listen, that I caught myself and switched to my "gentle" voice. Trust me, there is no effectiveness to the "gentle" voice once it has been preceded by the "harsh" voice. In fact, I think my children realized I had done something I didn't want to do and decided to take advantage of the moment of weakness. This led to even more opportunity for me to practice my "gentle" voice.

After about a week though I realized that I had gone a couple of days without raising my voice! (Please, don't confuse things here. During times of discipline there is still a need for a very firm tone, but tone and volume are two very different things. Also remember that a firm tone needs to be used with gentleness rather than anger). The funny thing was by the third week not only had I began to go days without raising my voice, but my children did as well. I promise you when I realized what had been happening the heavens opened and I could hear the angels singing and that is the complete truth!
Remember our children model everything from what they see, and that means they model everything they see in us.

I cannot even begin to describe the changes that have come from this 30 day challenge. That natural reaction that I used to have of yelling and waving my arms and all the other craziness I used to do has now been replaced by a reaction of bending down to their level and speaking with a calm, quiet tone. In turn, their reaction to me has been one of obedience and even more tenderness. My children now give me a hug when I scold them. I promise you I did not see that one coming, but they do. It's almost like they are thanking me for not yelling at them (I have to guess here since they are so young it's not like they can even begin to explain to me why they do what they do.) It has also changed the way my children have reacted to each other. If you ever want to know what you sound like, listen to how your kids talk to each other. I found they talk to each other the same way I talk to them. The good thing is it makes it very apparent to me when I am doing something wrong.

So, I challenge every one of you mommas who struggles with this to take a 30 day gentleness challenge. I know it will work for you the way it did for me. Commit Proverbs 15:1 to memory, write it on your mirror if you have to, put it on a rubber band that you wear around your wrist to pop yourself whenever you find yourself screaming. Whatever works for you, do it! Then just sit back and watch in amazement the changes it will bring to your life! Here's a hint on where to begin: I learned very early on in the challenge to turn the TV down, leave the radio off, and enjoy the peace and quiet while I do my dishes. It's amazing how easy it is to be more gentle when you don't have so much noise to compete with!

UPDATE: CHECK OUT THE RESULTS!!!