Adoption Loss and Pressing Forward

When I began having major health issues in November, when I was scared and couldn't seem to find any answers, Heather was there for me. Although since then my health has gotten drastically worse, then better, then worse, then better, and we still don't have any answers, I can still look at it and see the good that is coming out of it. My relationship with Heather is one of those things. Those who know me know that we have been working on multiple garage sales for a local family these past few weeks, you have seen my Facebook posts about our attempts to raise funding for a family seeking adoption, you have had to endure the endless questions of "Does anyone have anything to give?" Well, this is why.



UPDATE: The Thursday after this was posted (on Heather's birthday to be exact!) Heather and Juan got a call about a newborn who needed to be placed in a foster home with a possible need for adoption. Please continue to pray for them through this and praise God for bringing this precious baby into their lives even if God decides they are not to be her forever home.

Testimonies for Passion

Ironically, Thanksgiving was a time for me to reflect on the hard things. The strange thing that came out of all of these testimonies of trials was the pure joy that was found in all of them. Rising above our circumstances, remembering the calling through those times, becoming restored because of it all. We each have our stories, we each have that moment (or moments) in our lives where we can go one of two ways. We hope and we pray that by sharing our trials, by sharing our stories, that we can catch someone before their trial, that we can catch them in the midst of it, that we can catch them before they make the decision to go the wrong way. We pray that we can teach the lessons that we were only able to learn in our pain. We are passionate to share these lessons, passionate for people to understand, passionate because God has given us the ability to see that all things work together for good. We are passionate for people because we are those "people". We are all broken, imperfect people trying to help other broken, imperfect people. We are all trying to live extraordinary lives while in the midst of ordinary circumstances. We are passionate for life, passionate for others, passionate for God, because somewhere along the way something happened that reminded us that we cannot live our lives lacking passion.

A dear friend of mine shares her amazing story about a moment in life when God became real to her. It's moments like this that remind us why we are passionate for life.


Grow Up - Christine testimony from Istrouma Baptist Church on Vimeo.

I Will Wait On You

Those who know me, know this has been a month of waiting for me. After 30 days of constant pain, bouts of paralysis, extreme headaches, not even being able to get out of bed most days, searching for answers and not getting any, many hospitalizations and doctors appointments. Now here I am on day 9 of waiting for test results, still not being able to use my hands completely, feeling myself on the verge of another flair up of whatever has been going on, I just want to scream. And, in fact, I will scream. I will scream out on the top of my lungs that I will wait on the Lord. Just in case He needs to be reminded that I'm waiting, and that I will continue waiting. That no matter what is going on I will find my hope in Him. If you live near me, don't be alarmed if you hear the echos of this song bouncing off of the trees...

Isaiah 40:28-35

²⁸ Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

The 90th Day

It has been 90 days since I published my first post. 90 crazy days that included 50 days of harassment for my beliefs, 30 days of constant physical pain, 10 very hard things, and 1 call to do something entirely beyond myself. Here is an excerpt from the book I am writing to chronicle this experience, a call to write that I felt on day 60 of this journey,

"I guess I should have known from Day 1. That was the day I actually published my first post, the day I began getting harassed for my beliefs, the day I realized this wasn’t going to go the way I thought it would. That day changed my life in a very real and unexpected way. That day I wanted to shut down the blog before it even began, to just give in, to take the easy way out. Why I actually didn’t, I can’t say for sure. Hope maybe? But the lessons I learned those first few days, from a group of angry, misguided strangers, set the tone for the rest of my posts, and it was the opposite of what they wanted. But I know that it was exactly where God wanted me to be, and I know now He used them to do it. I should have known right then that there would be more to this journey than I ever imagined."

How I should have known... The truth is, what I have been going through these past 90 days is just the beginning of this journey. Have you ever felt like God was leading you somewhere? Has it ever been somewhere you were afraid to go? I should have known that very first day. Although, I guess that's one of the mysteries of how God operates. If I would have known, would I have even attempted this blog in the first place? Probably not. And I would still be in the same place I was 90 days ago. A place of comfort in my beliefs, a place of routine, a place that was bound to lead me to where I am now except I wouldn't have the great benefit of the things I have learned along the way with this blog. I knew from the beginning that this blog was more for me than anyone else, I just didn’t realize how much more. It was God’s way of speaking to me, leading me where He needed me to be and being able to use these things the way that He had purposed. I will continue to follow Him where He wants me to go…no matter how hard it may get…

Prayer from an aching heart

OH GOD
The emptiness that the world leaves us is sometimes unbearable.
We try to be strong and to make it through intact, but the wounds, the scars, the brokenness that gets left behind is just a constant reminder of how weak we truly are.

God, we want to believe this world will be easy, or at the very least manageable.

We pray that the joy we feel in you would help us overcome all things.

But sometimes it is just too much. Too much loss, too much pain, too much loneliness.

Too much for me to carry, too much for me to understand, too much for me to want to take upon myself.

God, YOU DO IT. Do it all, carry it all, understand it all for me, TAKE IT ALL.

Bind these wounds that they may heal. Remove my scars. Stop the bleeding in my aching heart.

Lord, cover me, heal me, LOVE ME.

Catch my tears in your open hands, stop the shaking in my restless spirit, speak quietly to me. 

Let me feel you, draw close to me as I seek after You, cover me in your strength, complete yourself in my weakness.

Let me be a light shining in the darkness. Let that light burn brighter in the troubled times.

At the end, when looking back on my life, allow me to be able to look back in pride that I was able to handle myself with grace and dignity. God allow me to see only You when I look back on myself.

We praise you for the storm, we love you for the trying times, we seek you in the darkness.

Help us through, WE FOLLOW YOU COME WHAT MAY.

"Just Pray That God Would Give or Take Bella"...

...These were the words that stopped my heart, that brought tears to my eyes, that made the world stop spinning just for a split second. As a mom I know the love it takes to say these words, I know the strength, and I'm definitely not there yet. It saddens me that some moms are forced to have to choose. To choose between desperately wanting your children to stay with you, selfishly wanting to love them, and giving them over to God knowing that He will probably take them from you. It reminds me of something my friend told me one day that really resonated with me a lot. She said, "Sometimes, I struggle with telling my children how much God loves them. I don't want them to think I love them any less. It's selfish, but I don't want them to think anyone loves them more than I do." On the surface how superficial does that sound, we want to say to eachother, but of course God loves them more...and OF COURSE He does...but do we really live it? When our children are suffering do we believe that God still loves them more than we do? We are here holding onto them as tightly as we can, protecting them, raising them, and He has "let" this happen. How could He do this if he truly loved them? Just typing out those words brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, but how true is it? I so often forget that God loves and does more for my children than I ever can and will.

His plan is perfect, while mine is selfish. If my children were suffering would I be able to ask others to pray for God to take them from me? I can answer at this moment that I doubt I could. On Criminal Minds the other day a father was told his son was dying of cancer. He wanted his son to know that it was ok, so he held his hand and told him it wasn't losing if he didn't make it, that giving up when you know you can't beat it means you've won. And then his son died. My gosh, my heart, just thinking about it, is about to stop beating it hurts so badly. As I watched this I almost ran to my children's rooms and cried out for them not to leave me. I pictured myself in this same scenario as my child is dying screaming out at God not to take them, yelling at the doctors to save them, grabbing onto my child as tightly as I could, never letting go, believing that just by holding them they would have to stay with me. I don't think I would react in a way that shows God's love, God's power, God's purpose.

But here is my friend, the perfect picture of strength and love and compassion, the exact opposite of everything I believe I would do in this situation, offerring her hurting child up to God. Realizing that God loves Bella more than she ever can and will, and knowing that He has the perfect plan. They only had a year with her since they found the tumor. A year filled with surgeries, treatments, hope, disappointment. In fact, at this time last year they had no idea what was about to happen to them. But today their daughter is lying in a bed while they try to make her comfortable and wait. And my friend and her family are telling others to pray that God would give or take. I am left breathless by them, by their situation, by their pain, by their testimony. I pray for this sweet little girl and her family. And I pray that, if I ever need, that I will be as loving and strong as her parents are. I pray that God would be able to use my testimony for good, and that I wouldn't screw it up with my own selfishness. I pray that even with my "healthy" children I can learn to give them completely to God. For Him to love perfectly, to hold completely, to use rightly.

Please keep sweet Bella and her family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time. I know they appraciate such support and love!

UPDATE: AT 6:22 AM ON FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2011 BELLA VERY PEACEFULLY WENT HOME TO JESUS. We know that Jesus is holding this sweet girl right now until her mommy and daddy can see her again. Please pray for her mom, dad, and sister as they go through this.

The Gift of Testimony through Trials

This Thanksgiving I was led on a journey of learning how to worship through thanks and praise. During my 25 Days of Thanksgiving, when I made it halfway on my list of 1,000, when I learned to thank God for my family's experiences with Autism, and I finally reached the point where I could truly thank Him for the hardest things. This year, I was able to celebrate a truly gracious Thanksgiving. But the number one thing I took from this Journey of Thanksgiving was that this spirit of Thanksgiving is about a lifestyle, not just a season. It's all about recognizing that God is in control. Recognizing His hand wherever you are, in whatever may come, however He decides to work.

Here is a great testimony of a family's faith through the trying times. This is the story of our former Associate Minister of Music and his wife, Matt and Sheri Rouse. It's a little long since it was taken from their transcript of the Grain Game's Winter Ball speech, but I encourage you to read it when you have time. Their testimony and encouragement is truly a great reminder of the strength we have been given in Christ in every situation. A word from Matt before you read: Tonight is the first time I have spoken in public about this, for it has taken me months to become comfortable sharing what you are about to read. The story goes beyond my health into the greater purposes God has for our lives...for good and in the bad.

Matt: Sheri and I have some difficult things to share with you tonight, but also some exciting answers to prayer where God has showed Himself to be the One who sees the whole picture of our lives and has worked to turn the devastating into good. Last February, after many tests and consultations with specialists, I was diagnosed with what appears to be front temporal dementia at the age of 43. This rare disease is much more aggressive and different than Alzheimer’s. It affects the frontal lobe of the brain. At onset it is limited primarily to executive function problems and personality changes. The really bad news is that it is 100% fatal and untreatable. In March, my doctor told Sheri that my life expectancy was much shorter than we first thought, because with this disease the younger you are at diagnosis, the shorter your life expectancy. When it came time for my doctor to discuss my life expectancy, I asked to leave the room. I continued to believe I would make it at least 10 more years according to more optimistic research I had made. It took me until early June before I was willing to hear what my doctors had told Sheri regarding my life expectancy. The day I heard the words, “Two to three years, and make sure to spend the next year making family memories and taking lots of pictures,” - is a day that changed my life forever.

That night, after we cried and held each other, I asked Sheri to book a week long cruise for our family, one that would include Roatan, Honduras and other countries. I knew it was time to take a serious look at my “bucket list” and take action. I have always had a burden for missions. When Sheri and I were teenagers we had discussions about feeling God’s call for the foreign mission field. For several years we wrestled with whether to pursue church ministry work or foreign missions. We believe we pursued what God led us to do, but now that I have been diagnosed with dementia it is as though God is making my thoughts more clear and focused toward missions and that our burden for missions has only grown. As I come to consider that my time is likely much shorter on this earth than I had ever imagined, it makes me feel and believe the REALITY that NONE of us are promised tomorrow. I am now trying to live in that reality and pray daily for God’s power to show me the way.

In the early part of the year, unable to perform ministry as I have for over 2 decades, I looked deep inside and decided to become a serious prayer warrior for missions. After all, "active" ministry is not an option. Not trying to be boastful - for it is only because of God's mercy in showing me so many needs around the world and not of my own human effort - I now spend considerable time most every weekday praying for our lost world, and have come to find it addictive - to the point that Sheri recently lost her patience in waiting for us to go out together for lunch one day because I was still in my prayer "office" with maps, and books of the cities of the world, and the Grain Game email updates spread before me when it was well past lunch. God has allowed me to use my time off to do the real heavy lifting of the kingdom work in prayer support. And Chip has reminded me time and time again that nothing significant can happen through [the ministry of] Grain Game without intentional prayer. We are seeing God act.

I wish I could say that this disease is the only hardship we have experienced this year, it is but one of many. On top of a difficult and unexpected end to my career last January, I severed my Achilles tendon while standing still playing basketball with my son, Josh. This injury required surgery, no weight bearing for months, and various with plaster casts. Then, 3 days after going from a cast to a walking boot I ruptured the same tendon again and had to undergo a very involved and painful tendon transfer surgery. Essentially, I did not walk without the assistance of a wheelchair, scooter or crutches from the end of January until September. Sheri especially had a hard time with this injury on top of everything else and neither of us saw how any good could come out of going on our “bucket-list” cruise with a non-weight bearing leg following the second Achilles tear. This injury eliminated most of the snorkeling, cave tubing and beach walks we would normally enjoy.

Ironically, I severed the first tendon while out of town at a prayer and healing service for my dementia disease, so I came back home physically in worse shape despite intense prayers for healing. Then, I ruptured it the second time while at church! We still believe in God’s healing power and continue to seek God, humbly ask for complete healing, repent of any known sin, and have allowed prayer groups to anoint me with oil and join with us in prayer. But up to this moment we have not seen the reality of His divine healing. We do not know if He will completely heal me, but we can see where He has already used my health for what may bring about the salvation of many others. I am willing to be used as His vessel in this way if that is the path God has chosen for me. I will not ask, “Why me?” Instead, I ask, “Why not me?” He is God and I am not.

Sheri: Each year at Christmas, since 1995, I have asked God for a specific character trait or spiritual gift as His gift to me for the following year. Last December, I was convicted to ask for “self-less love” without knowing ahead what was coming in 2011. God has often responded to my yearly request through difficult circumstances that have helped mold me more to His character, but it has not been an easy road by any means. However, I am not the same since 1995, and I would not trade what God has done in our lives for these serious trials. As Job laments, “Shall I accept good from God, and not trouble?” (2:10 NIV).

One of the cruise’s four ports was Roatan, Honduras, and I really wanted to find a mission opportunity there but I did not have time to make any preparations due to my Bar exam study schedule. I had a strong burden for our family to participate in a mission activity in our one day stop on the island of Roatan. I thought about taking a taxi to a local orphanage or school to play with kids and pass out toys, clothes, candy and Bibles. But, alas, time was too short to make plans. I later learned, God had bigger plans and He is the One who sees even when our schedules are too full to pray long prayers like Matt has the time to bring on other’s behalf. But God responded to my desperate, frequent prayers spoken as I ran through those preceding months trying to keep everyone in our family on track and pass the Bar exam. I survived by posting copies of a single scripture verse of whatever God led me to in 7 locations around our house each week and praying that verse throughout the day regarding every heartache and obstacle we faced.

On the ship when disembarking at Roatan, we bought tickets to tour Gumbalimba Park to play with wild monkeys, zipline through the rain forest, and see one of the most beautiful places, Tabyana Beach. However, when our tour bus arrived at Gumbalimba Park the pathways were made of gravel, uneven and too rugged for Matt on his knee scooter or crutches. God promises to make the “rough places plain”, and I thought of this as our guide pointed to an older man on a golf cart who said he would be happy to drive us through the park. He dressed like the other tour guides but we noticed that whenever we rode into an area with him we had special attention and he knew quite a lot of detail about everything in the park. A few hours into our tour Matt mentioned he was a minister and tried to make an effort at ascertaining our guide’s spirituality. The man replied that he was a local pastor of an interdenominational, protestant church in Roatan. The conversation did not go much further and this man seemed to quietly contemplate things. So did I.

Matt mentioned how he regretted not being able to zip line with his foot injury. The man said he could arrange that and have a guide before him and another following after him who would safely transfer him on one leg on 17 tree stands through the one mile course. Although this was a popular excursion this man arranged it in a brief call from his radio. Next, this man asked if he could take us in his personal vehicle to see his church. Of course we accepted with delight. I knew I had underestimated this man when he pulled up in a new Harley Davidson edition Ford pickup truck valued at about $60k, for we had seen only old model vehicles in Roatan. We soon learned that this man, our humble guide for the day, Marco Galindo, owned the park & the beach, built the church himself, feeds 125 or more poor Roatans two meals daily, and loves to host mission groups.

After a couple hours at this church, Marco grinned at us and said, “Nothing makes me happier in this world than to host mission trips, would you like to come back and bring others?” Marco is now hosting us for Grain Game Roatan sometime in the future[...] He will gather as many kids we can handle - “100 or 1000” were his words. He is also open to any other type of mission trips we might feel led to do there[...] Our God who sees knew that unless we had a need for the “rough places to be made smooth” then this opportunity would likely have been missed. We now thank God for the severed Achilles tendon that made all of this possible.

I am so thankful for the Rouse's wonderful testimony. Praise God for every situation, for we never know how he will use it if we follow Him. Also check out The Grain Game website and prayerfully consider making a donation to this ministry.

Today was one of those days...

It was one of those days that life didn't really make sense, when God's plan seemed "flawed", when I couldn't see the promise through the pain. When the tears flowed freely and the comfort didn't seem to come. Watching someone struggle, having absolutely nothing comforting to say, knowing that the fact that "God is in control" just doesn't really make the hurt go away. Knowing that it will take God's binding of these wounds in order for them to heal, and knowing that that takes a lot more than words. Knowing that the healing can only come through time, and that the knowledge may not come until we can ask our Creator face-to-face what His purpose was for our trials.

I'm reminded of those God loved in Scripture. Those He loved, yet turned over to trials. When, in Job 1:12, He gave Satan permission to do whatever he wanted to Job's possessions, just not to harm Job himself. Then after Satan had destroyed Job's riches, killed his children, again in Job 2:6 God turned Job's physical being over to Satan's hand with just the requirement that he not be killed (something that I'm sure would have actually come as a relief to Job while dealing with these trials). Job never turned from God. He cursed his own life, wishing he had never been born, he questioned why he was having to go through the trials that had been placed on him, Job even thought God had deserted him, but he still never turned from God. And in the end we learn that God had never deserted him either. For 37 chapters there is strife. Job is mocked, rebuked, humiliated by his "friends". God is questioned, made fun of, "tested" by those who had no understanding of Him. It wasn't until chapter 38 that God speaks. And we see in Job 42:10-17 that God blessed Job beyond his previous fortunes, and Job died an old man.

I can't imagine what the Scriptures would read about me if it were recording 37 chapters of my own personal trials. Trials in which I could not feel the warmth of God's love surrounding me. Trials in which there seems no good could ever come. To lose not only all of my possessions, but to lose my children to death, to have my spouse and my friends turn against me. To be turned over to a literal hell on earth, with Satan in control of what happens to me. It is these times when our understanding of God is lacking, when His plan is so beyond the realm of human reason, when we are forced to face our human limitations that it is hardest for our faith to be put into practice. These trials that force us to live the way God has called us, by faith, turning everything over to Him, dying to ourself daily, these trials that make us who God wants us to be. No matter how far we feel from Him at the time. No matter how desperately we cry out to be rescued, but instead feel like we have been abandoned. These chapters in our lives that reveal nothing but pain, sorrow, and desperation. Like the poem says, one day we will get to hear God utter the words, "I did not abandon you, it was then that I carried you." And, hopefully, He will celebrate with us how these trials have molded us. That we can here Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

A Close to a Wonderful Thanksgiving

At the close of the day, I am so thankful for such a Gracious Thanksgiving. For the ability to bring to God an offering of thanks for the hard things and for the hardest thing. Now I will continue on my Journey to 1,000 things because Thanksgiving is not just about the season. I will continue until I reach 1,000 and then I will continue on to one million. I will continue to live my life thankful in everything because He gave His everything for me.

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all."

Thankful for the Hardest Thing

I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
For you are who you are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands, and though
my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm.

We all have our testimonies, the things in life God has used to glorify Him. Some are triumphs, some are trials. Some are amazing blessings, but some come with unfathomable heartbreak. Today, on Thanksgiving, I praise God for the hardest thing: Tragedy. For the life taken before it really had a chance to begin. For a little boy, who glorified God more in his death than most ever will in a lifetime. In these moments when we cry out "Why?" but already know the answer.

My friend lost her firstborn son, Scout Russell Secrist, 3 days before her due date. Delivering him still on December 26, 2008. A beautiful life that some would consider lost, but that we know was purposed for the Kingdom. Jesus holds this little boy, loving him perfectly, until his mommy and daddy can finally hold him again and see his beautiful smiling face. And because of this little boy many new souls will enter into the throne room of God. Scout, I am so thankful for you, for your testimony, for the hope you brought to so many. I am thankful that in time of such devestation God showed up, God healed lives, and God brought life even through death.

Praise God for restoration, for healing, for life continued.
Rusty and Katye with their beautiful family,
Scout's loving siblings, Deacon and Charli Kate.