A Letter to my Miracle

My Dearest Baby Boy,

Each and every one of you have been a miracle to me in one way or another. You each have an amazing story surrounding your birth, but if I ever doubted that it was just coincidence or good luck you proved me wrong. At the time we found out we were pregnant with you I was on the strongest form of birth control possible. Not because we didn't want more children. In fact, we wanted them more than anything, but we had gotten to the point where we believed we could not have any more children. My health issues were causing me so much pain, there was doubt if I even could carry a baby successfully, and the thought of creating a life that I could not carry was too much to bear. We decided a hysterectomy was the best option for me and we were preparing for the surgery that would make it impossible for me to ever carry another life in my womb. I was on birth control to prevent pregnancy before the surgery as we made our final decision, and when we reached the decision to go ahead I prepared to call the doctor never imagining that the surgery would be impossible because there was already another life that had taken up residency in my womb.

I cried when I found out I was pregnant. I was so overjoyed, but the confusion was hard for me to grasp. When you reach a decision that you feel the Lord has called you to, that you feel is the absolute best, and He leads you in the opposite direction it takes some adjusting. Your father was so overjoyed when I told him the news that every single doubt I had was erased. It is not that I never wanted you, but I was so scared for you. I had come to believe that it would be hard for me to carry a child, and I was so afraid for your precious life. I had come to a point where I was comfortable with having only two children, and the thought of having three babies under three was scary. I didn't know if I could do it. Of course during that very first ultrasound, when I saw your body (there was not even a heartbeat yet and you were barely even formed since I was only 5 weeks pregnant) the Lord gave me peace that I had never known. He gave me assurance that I could do not only a good job with three of you, but that I could do the best job.

A few weeks later I began bleeding a lot. At that point I lost all hope, I questioned God's plan in all of this because I just couldn't understand why any of this would be happening. They did several ultrasounds and I loved seeing you each time, but during an early one we couldn't even find a heartbeat for the first five minutes and after that I was too afraid to even look at the screen until they found your heartbeat. I blamed myself, this body that has turned against me. I was so sorry that I was not able to provide you the life you needed to survive, but God provided because this body that shouldn't have been able to carry life, did.

Although you had survived they determined that the placenta had attached to my uterus. This is not an uncommon thing, but happening in the first trimester meant that it would probably continue to get worse. I researched exactly what it is that we needed to do. There was talk of a cesarean delivery with a hysterectomy immediately following. It was something most women would feel is the end of the world, but because I had already prepared myself mentally for a hysterectomy I was ready. The problems came when I learned of the risks of a birth with this problem. The chance that I may not survive the delivery. I spent every night for weeks crying in the shower so no one could hear me. I would just cry out to God. I had no words. I have learned not to pray that God will or won't do something the way I want it, but only to pray that He would just do His will. I had to accept that whatever happened would truly be for the best. I never reached that point though.

At my twenty week ultrasound, I was so excited to find out if you were a boy or a girl. You were the only baby I had "named" before I even knew. I had already begun to call you "Kason" when I spoke to you. I wondered what I would do if you were a girl, and if "Kason" worked as a girl name as well. The first miracle was that you were a boy. I was positive Maddox was a girl, and that Eden was a boy. Given my record, and the fact that I had already "named" you I was very scared that for sure you were going to be a girl. I cried with joy that you were a boy! I just loved the name we had given you. It was actually one your brother chose for you. I had never even heard the name before, and one day I asked Maddox, "What should we name the baby?" He looked at my belly and very quickly said, "Mommy, that is baby Kason." It stuck and it was perfect! This may not seem like such a "miracle", but it was for me. The second miracle was truly, by any standards, a miracle. The placenta previa

You were perfect, you were healthy, you were big. From the moment I held you in my arms I just felt all of the miracles surrounding you filling up the room. Your brother brought restoration, your sister brought strength, you brought miracles. You have also given us hope for more children in the future, and I will always hold a special place in my heart for God's precious surprise that He gave us in you. From the moment you were born I felt the same amazingly great love I felt for your brother and your sister. The fact that love is never divided, but that it just continues to grow takes my breath away every single time. I pray that one day you will feel this multiplying love in your own life. I pray that you will understand the thanks I have that you brought that again into my life, and that you brought hope for that again in the future.

A Letter to my Son

I was not planning on sharing my letters on the blog, but I feel led to use this month to share some of these...starting with the very first one I wrote.

My Dear Son,

Four years ago you made me a mommy. I cannot even believe how quickly it has already gone, and I now understand why every mother is so quick to tell you to, "Cherish every moment because it goes by too fast." I never dreamed I would have you. Well, at one point long ago I did, but that dream was taken away from me when I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 17. My dream was shattered that day, my heart broken. Then, when I had reached a place in my life where I had accepted the cards that had been dealt to me you came along. From the very first moment I even saw your tiny little body on the ultrasound screen, the size of a little bean yet still perfect, I found a love stronger than any love that I had ever known existed. A love for someone I had never met, a love for someone who everyone kept telling me wasn't even a "someone" yet.

By this point you had already saved my life. If it weren't for you, I may have never known about the cervical cancer that was forming in my body. It wasn't until my very first appointment with the doctor to check on you that they found it. There were tests and talks of what we would do after you were born, but with your birth the cells were cleansed from my body. So many miraculous things have surrounded you from the days before you were even born, my love. You were snuggled safely in my womb as your father and I tracked down your Uncle Brian. I will save that story for your father to tell you, but I remember crying and telling you how amazing it was that you had no idea what you had already witnessed in your short little lifetime. That was the day your father realized that there really was a God, and that He really did have a plan.

Restoration has followed you all of your life. My health was restored, your father's family was restored, and even you were restored. I know you will not remember the first years of your life (although sometimes I do wonder since your memory is absolutely amazing). From the moment I held you that first time in my arms I knew that you had autism. Mother's intuition, God's leading, paranoia, I've been told it was many, many things, but I know it was just because of the bond that was already between us. With your diagnosis came a despair I was not prepared for, but soon after I found a hope like I had never known as we watched you overcome the impossible.

You, my son, are an amazing person. From the very moment God knit you together in my womb He had amazing plans for you. Some of those plans have already been fulfilled, but many, many of them have not. Never forget, my angel, that you are special. Never forget that you are amazing. I will never forget, and forgive me for the times I seem a little too pushy. Know that everything I do is just to make sure that you realize your purpose. I do not know what the future holds for you. I already know that in your short four years on Earth you have done amazingly more with your life than most. Never lose your precious heart. Every time you say your "Our Father" or ask me to pray for someone you love or to pray for the ambulance that passed by, I can just feel the joy our Heavenly Father has for you. You have taught me more than I could have ever imagined. My only prayer is that I can teach you as well.