Adoption Loss and Pressing Forward

When I began having major health issues in November, when I was scared and couldn't seem to find any answers, Heather was there for me. Although since then my health has gotten drastically worse, then better, then worse, then better, and we still don't have any answers, I can still look at it and see the good that is coming out of it. My relationship with Heather is one of those things. Those who know me know that we have been working on multiple garage sales for a local family these past few weeks, you have seen my Facebook posts about our attempts to raise funding for a family seeking adoption, you have had to endure the endless questions of "Does anyone have anything to give?" Well, this is why.



UPDATE: The Thursday after this was posted (on Heather's birthday to be exact!) Heather and Juan got a call about a newborn who needed to be placed in a foster home with a possible need for adoption. Please continue to pray for them through this and praise God for bringing this precious baby into their lives even if God decides they are not to be her forever home.

8 Weeks to Adoption: Moving Mountains

'"You realize you're pretty much asking us to do the impossible, to move mountains.' My response was, 'Yes, I realize that. But that's not a problem for God. He's in the mountain moving business.'"

In early December, a family was made aware of a beautiful 13 year old girl in need of a home. I shared with you their testimony in late December, asking you to flood Heaven with prayers for this family, and I have been absolutely bouncing off the walls to share with you their success! I've been trying to figure out a way to type this out that truly conveys the absolute miracle that has been performed, but I feel like there are no words that can truly capture the mountains that God has physically moved for this family. I'm not going to be able to give every single detail of every single miraculous step that has happened, just know that it was an absolutely impossible situation in which absolutely impossible things had to happen over and over and over in order for this to happen. I will try to relay the amazing things that have happened, I will try to give you a picture of the sheer magnitude of what God has done, and I know that even if my words fall short the evidence of God's hand and of His purpose is just undeniable!

This was a literal battle against the clock. The only way I can describe it is that here was this little girl trapped in an hour glass, with sand pouring over her, about to run out of time, about to be lost forever. This beautiful, precious daughter of God turns 14 at the end of February. Yes, that is just a few short weeks from now, and it was only 2 short months from the time this family discovered her. If she does not have her "gotcha date" by her birthday, she can NEVER be adopted. Even if there is a family desperately wanting her, they cannot get her, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. She would most likely be turned out to the streets, a victim of sex trafficking or other terrible high risk situations. The problem was, a file had never been made for this precious girl. She has grown up in an orphanage, watched all of her friends get adopted, but no one thought anyone would want her so they never even made a file. It would be impossible to get a file made and to find her a family and to get everything finalized before her birthday. As the adoption agency said, the family was asking to do the impossible, but they said to at least try.

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

Getting a file for this beautiful child of God was, at the moment, the least of this family's worries. They had adopted a daughter just a year ago. Those who have adopted know the financial burden that comes with adoption. How would it be possible to adopt another child so soon? Less than two weeks into the new adoption process they had already received 75% of the money they needed! January 5th, one month later, they have a file for this precious girl!!! This means they should now be able to get pre-approval. In order for things to happen as they need to, they need to happen immediately. By January 10th the impossible was seeming even more impossible and by now time was absolutely critical. The document that was supposed to have left the embassy needed to be there the next day, they needed immediate pre-approval, a log-in date within 24 hours of receipt of their dossier, and LOA (letter of acceptance) before January 23rd.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

On January 13th they had received pre-approval (meaning they were "officially matched") for their beautiful, hopefully soon-to-be daughter. Just hours before  pre-approval they had received a donation that brought them 100% of their needed funds! Praise to the Almighty Father who holds the hearts of the orphans in His hands, who provides for their every need! Also on January 13th their dossier was delivered, and they had been issued a log-in-date the same exact day! Again, praise God for continued answers to prayers! By January 20th they had been issued their LOA! God's continuous provision was completely overwhelming. There is usually an 80 day wait between the time you get your log-in date until the time you receive your LOA. The agency was 98% certain that this would never happen. BUT GOD! On January 21st, Eliana was told that she has a family!!!

On February 1st, their Article 5 had been issued and overnighted (this is approval for Eliana's visa once the adoption is complete). It normally takes a minimum of 2 weeks for this to be issued, but they had theirs within 24hrs. The only thing left was the official invitation to bring their daughter home! Within 2 days they had their travel approval!!! Despite all of the impossible circumstances, the road blocks, the literal mountains that needed to be moved, the only thing left to do is to go get their little girl!!!

^"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

Though the sorrow may last for the night, hope comes in the morning...

Last night I was having one of those struggles that seems to reach into the depths of your soul. One of those struggles that seems to try to unwrap the binding God has placed on old wounds, that picks at the scabs of our almost healed heart, that pokes and prods and picks at all of our sore spots. The mistakes of the past mixed with the joy of the present and the hope of the future. It was one of those struggles that made me want to curl up in bed and not come out until it was over. One that made me want to just pray that it would go away, that it was just a bad dream. Praise God that as I woke up this morning I felt nothing but joy, nothing but peace, and nothing but hope. I woke up with this Psalm on my heart and on my lips. The Word of the Lord wrapped itself around me, covering me in truth and comfort. Sometimes it's almost silly how certain things can effect us, how they can make us feel so defeated. Sometimes I feel it's not even worth my time to dwell on it, but I cannot stop the flesh inside me from reacting so strongly. It is in those times when God binds, God heals, and God restores. So He will continue to work in me, to bring up in my life those things that are not complete, to comfort me in my weakness and show His strength.

Psalm 30

¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
⁷ LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
⁸ To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”
¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Life is full of upside-downs and inside-outs

Baby dedication Sunday. A day when we will present our family to the church, dedicate our children to the Lord, and ask our church family to join us in raising our family up in the way God has called us. It is a day that symbolizes the choice we made from Day 1 to give our children up to the Lord and to follow His will for our family. It has taken three years for us to find a date that works for baby dedication. We either had something scheduled, missed the deadline, or I had just had a baby the few times they have done it. This time we were free from commitments (and fresh babies) and we were able to register by the deadline! I was so excited, let all of our family and friends know, and very painstakingly picked out their life verses so everything would be a perfect representation of our feelings for giving them up to the Lord. But when we showed up for the preparation class who was there, but my ex-boyfriend and his wife...

I could just feel myself being tested, pulled in a thousand different directions, struggling to hold back the tears and the very literal vomit that I felt. In my heart, I pray that he truly is this man of God she described. I pray that the mistakes he made with me do not haunt him today, and I pray that he has a truly amazing relationship with his wife and his baby. But as we are sitting here talking about our children being raised together in our church, holding each other accountable as a church family, and the important role we all play in each other's lives I just wanted to run from the room, run from the church.

I'm not going to pretend that my feelings in this matter are godly. I'm not going to pretend that this is easy or that this makes sense. This is a very painful struggle. One that may very well be a test to see if I have truly forgiven, or one that is a test to see how much I can withstand. I don't know. All I know is that God knows. All I know is that I need to fall on my knees before the Lord for strength to make it through this. That, hopefully, this will be a success story to tell my children one day, and a warning that the things of our past do impact our future. But in that moment I couldn't see beyond the past, I couldn't see beyond the pain.

I can only pray that I will be able to share later an amazing victory that has come out of this. I pray that God will wrap His arms around my fragile heart and carry me through this time. If nothing else, this serves as a great reminder as to why it is God who is the leader of my family, a reminder as to why it is God who holds my children in His hands. Because I in my flesh am so very weak, and without His power I am an utter failure. If nothing else this is a reminder that life does happen, and that our mistakes have very real and very unforeseen consequences. If nothing else, this is a reminder of how to be truly godly, how to love those who have hurt us beyond what we can bear, how to show the love of Christ when we cannot love ourselves. If nothing else it is a reminder that life is never going to be perfect, that sometimes we just have to deal with the upside-downs and the inside-outs.

Aren't these moments of the drudged up past such a great reminder of forgiveness? I sit here struggling to hold his past actions against him, yet I pray that no one would ever hold my past actions against me. I truly have forgiven him, I truly have. I was told that one of the signs of true forgiveness is wishing the person who caused you harm the best. Being able to picture them and not wishing harm upon them. And I do, I do wish him happiness in his family, joy with his children, and I pray that he has grown up into a godly man. I do not want to still see him through my eyes of hurt. I need to see him through the filter of God's grace.

Our past does not determine our use in the future. We are all great reminders of this, and I am surely the greatest. If the actions of my past determined how well I would do in the future, I should give up now, but we do not give up because God does not give up on us. Our lives are a constant process of growing, changing, being molded into who He wants us to be. There are things in my past that would hold me back from even speaking in public if I let them. Why do we lavish grace upon ourselves for our past mistakes, but use these mistakes as shackles in the lives of others. We use them to hold these people back to keep them from growing. God forgive me for ever allowing past mistakes to cloud how I view a person today. God forgive me for praying that others forgive me of my mistakes, but not allowing myself to forgive them.

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

I Will Wait On You

Those who know me, know this has been a month of waiting for me. After 30 days of constant pain, bouts of paralysis, extreme headaches, not even being able to get out of bed most days, searching for answers and not getting any, many hospitalizations and doctors appointments. Now here I am on day 9 of waiting for test results, still not being able to use my hands completely, feeling myself on the verge of another flair up of whatever has been going on, I just want to scream. And, in fact, I will scream. I will scream out on the top of my lungs that I will wait on the Lord. Just in case He needs to be reminded that I'm waiting, and that I will continue waiting. That no matter what is going on I will find my hope in Him. If you live near me, don't be alarmed if you hear the echos of this song bouncing off of the trees...

Isaiah 40:28-35

²⁸ Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

"Just Pray That God Would Give or Take Bella"...

...These were the words that stopped my heart, that brought tears to my eyes, that made the world stop spinning just for a split second. As a mom I know the love it takes to say these words, I know the strength, and I'm definitely not there yet. It saddens me that some moms are forced to have to choose. To choose between desperately wanting your children to stay with you, selfishly wanting to love them, and giving them over to God knowing that He will probably take them from you. It reminds me of something my friend told me one day that really resonated with me a lot. She said, "Sometimes, I struggle with telling my children how much God loves them. I don't want them to think I love them any less. It's selfish, but I don't want them to think anyone loves them more than I do." On the surface how superficial does that sound, we want to say to eachother, but of course God loves them more...and OF COURSE He does...but do we really live it? When our children are suffering do we believe that God still loves them more than we do? We are here holding onto them as tightly as we can, protecting them, raising them, and He has "let" this happen. How could He do this if he truly loved them? Just typing out those words brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, but how true is it? I so often forget that God loves and does more for my children than I ever can and will.

His plan is perfect, while mine is selfish. If my children were suffering would I be able to ask others to pray for God to take them from me? I can answer at this moment that I doubt I could. On Criminal Minds the other day a father was told his son was dying of cancer. He wanted his son to know that it was ok, so he held his hand and told him it wasn't losing if he didn't make it, that giving up when you know you can't beat it means you've won. And then his son died. My gosh, my heart, just thinking about it, is about to stop beating it hurts so badly. As I watched this I almost ran to my children's rooms and cried out for them not to leave me. I pictured myself in this same scenario as my child is dying screaming out at God not to take them, yelling at the doctors to save them, grabbing onto my child as tightly as I could, never letting go, believing that just by holding them they would have to stay with me. I don't think I would react in a way that shows God's love, God's power, God's purpose.

But here is my friend, the perfect picture of strength and love and compassion, the exact opposite of everything I believe I would do in this situation, offerring her hurting child up to God. Realizing that God loves Bella more than she ever can and will, and knowing that He has the perfect plan. They only had a year with her since they found the tumor. A year filled with surgeries, treatments, hope, disappointment. In fact, at this time last year they had no idea what was about to happen to them. But today their daughter is lying in a bed while they try to make her comfortable and wait. And my friend and her family are telling others to pray that God would give or take. I am left breathless by them, by their situation, by their pain, by their testimony. I pray for this sweet little girl and her family. And I pray that, if I ever need, that I will be as loving and strong as her parents are. I pray that God would be able to use my testimony for good, and that I wouldn't screw it up with my own selfishness. I pray that even with my "healthy" children I can learn to give them completely to God. For Him to love perfectly, to hold completely, to use rightly.

Please keep sweet Bella and her family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time. I know they appraciate such support and love!

UPDATE: AT 6:22 AM ON FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2011 BELLA VERY PEACEFULLY WENT HOME TO JESUS. We know that Jesus is holding this sweet girl right now until her mommy and daddy can see her again. Please pray for her mom, dad, and sister as they go through this.

Trials through ADOPTION...one family's journey

I normally don't share things on facebook about raising money. If I don't know the  family, even if I know the person who posted it, I just don't know if it is genuine or not. When my former associate youth minister posted this on facebook I immediately felt called to share it, so I posted it on my wall. A friend then asked where the family was from, and after asking Danielle if the family was local she shared this with me...

"They live in Texas and go to Gateway church with us. The Jones family is amazing!!!! They have four biological children and adopted a beautiful little girl last year from China. The 12 year old, that they are trying to adopt, is about to age out of the orphanage. When this happens if the orphanage is crowded, the kids are put on the streets. Many times these are the girls that are picked up for sex trade. Thanks for sharing their story!!!"

Here is some of the story from their site...

"The 'place' where she lives never started paperwork for her to be able to be adopted because they didn't think anyone would want her. In this 'place' once a child turns 14 they can NEVER be adopted. Even if they have a family waiting for them if the family does not have their Gotcha day before the 14th birthday they will NEVER be adopted. This girl is turning 14 at the end of February. Because the 'place' she is at just started paperwork for her to be able to be adopted it has left a VERY short, almost impossible time frame for anyone to be able to get through all the necessary steps to get to her in time... The lady at our adoption agency said to me yesterday, 'You realize you're pretty much asking us to do the impossible, to move mountains.' My response was, 'Yes, I realize that. But that's not a problem for God. He's in the mountain moving business.'"

My heart is so full for this family. Full of hope, full of anxiety, full of wonder. I cannot wait to see how God works in this situation, but I have a feeling it's going to be amazing and I have to share it. Please consider donating to the family or at least place them on your prayer list and flood the throne room of Heaven with prayers for this beautiful girl and this sweet family. You can buy a shirt from the family (it's super cute) to help out, donate, or just read more of their story by clicking here. Thank you so much, friends! I can't wait to share the ending to this story with you!

Check out their 8 weeks to adoption and the ending to their story!

If I Could Have 100 Years

Last night while everyone was asleep I cuddled with my beautiful 5 month old baby boy. He was nestled up against my chest, little bubbles still on his pouty lips, and a tiny milk mustache. A perfect moment. I prayed something I have prayed so often over the past few years. Ever since my niece was diagnosed with leukemia, when my friend delivered a beautiful but stillborn baby boy, when I found out in my first trimester with Kason that I had placenta previa and was facing serious risks with delivery, when my friend's mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. When I began to realize just how short life really is, when I realized that no matter how we live our life there's just no guarantee. That was when I began to pray this simple prayer,

"God, there is nowhere I would rather be than in your presence. There is nothing I would cherish more than to view your perfect kingdom, to have no more sorrow, no more pain. But, Lord, I will have eternity with you. So please allow me just 100 years here on Earth. 100 years to face trials, but to watch my family grow. 100 years to witness pain and sorrow, but to be able to provide comfort and love. 100 years is but a breath compared to forever, so please grant me this one small request. I don't need wealth, I don't need fame, I don't need anything but time to be with my family."

I prayed this prayer, as I always do, when in the midst of a beautiful moment. With my baby's hand wrapped around my finger, with a heart full of love. In a beautiful moment when the fear strikes that I may not have many of these moments at all. When I realize that my family may make beautiful moments without me. And when I realize this, that is when I pray for 100 years. But as I prayed last night I felt that stirring in my spirit...you know the feeling when God is trying to tell you something that you might not want to hear. He said,

"Would you still want 100 years, if it was filled with persecution? Would you still want 100 years if your mind was foggy, if your body gave out, if you became a burden to those you love? Would you want 100 years no matter what, or only if it were to be filled with happiness and love and joy? What if I could do more with you in 1 year than I could in 100?"

 So now I guess I will add an addendum to my prayer. The "not my will, but Thine be done." Because, in all honesty, I don't know under what circumstances I would really want 100 years. If I could handle it come what may. So, Lord, I would love 100 years if it is your will for me. If not then give me as many wonderful years as I can have, and let me make the best of it!

I guess God decided now was a good time for me to learn this lesson. Since I have been praying this prayer for years and never heard a response. I mean, there is nothing about that prayer that is "sinful". Ok, if we split hairs it is a pretty selfish prayer, but there is nothing unbiblical about praying to live a long life. And I don't think God decided to reveal these things to me because He is against what I was praying. I have no idea if He will grant me a long life or a short one, but I do know that today I received some scary news that makes the idea of 100 years a little less appealing. After suffering with migraines for the past 2 weeks, several trips to the ER, and being completely unable to care for my own children I learned today that though the headaches can be treated (something I've suffered with for years and just need to get back on anti-seizure medication for) the weakness cannot. That permanent nerve damage is going to be a new part of my life. And now at the age of 26 I'm having to get used to the idea of having trouble holding my baby, not being able to use my hands the way I need to sometimes, the fear that it may get significantly worse. And, even though the diagnoses could have been much worse, and, honestly, I was preparing myself, it still may take me awhile to be able to get used to this reality and become comfortable with it. And although I will still gladly take 100 years, it does make me question how I would feel about 100 years sometime in the future.

The Gift of Testimony through Trials

This Thanksgiving I was led on a journey of learning how to worship through thanks and praise. During my 25 Days of Thanksgiving, when I made it halfway on my list of 1,000, when I learned to thank God for my family's experiences with Autism, and I finally reached the point where I could truly thank Him for the hardest things. This year, I was able to celebrate a truly gracious Thanksgiving. But the number one thing I took from this Journey of Thanksgiving was that this spirit of Thanksgiving is about a lifestyle, not just a season. It's all about recognizing that God is in control. Recognizing His hand wherever you are, in whatever may come, however He decides to work.

Here is a great testimony of a family's faith through the trying times. This is the story of our former Associate Minister of Music and his wife, Matt and Sheri Rouse. It's a little long since it was taken from their transcript of the Grain Game's Winter Ball speech, but I encourage you to read it when you have time. Their testimony and encouragement is truly a great reminder of the strength we have been given in Christ in every situation. A word from Matt before you read: Tonight is the first time I have spoken in public about this, for it has taken me months to become comfortable sharing what you are about to read. The story goes beyond my health into the greater purposes God has for our lives...for good and in the bad.

Matt: Sheri and I have some difficult things to share with you tonight, but also some exciting answers to prayer where God has showed Himself to be the One who sees the whole picture of our lives and has worked to turn the devastating into good. Last February, after many tests and consultations with specialists, I was diagnosed with what appears to be front temporal dementia at the age of 43. This rare disease is much more aggressive and different than Alzheimer’s. It affects the frontal lobe of the brain. At onset it is limited primarily to executive function problems and personality changes. The really bad news is that it is 100% fatal and untreatable. In March, my doctor told Sheri that my life expectancy was much shorter than we first thought, because with this disease the younger you are at diagnosis, the shorter your life expectancy. When it came time for my doctor to discuss my life expectancy, I asked to leave the room. I continued to believe I would make it at least 10 more years according to more optimistic research I had made. It took me until early June before I was willing to hear what my doctors had told Sheri regarding my life expectancy. The day I heard the words, “Two to three years, and make sure to spend the next year making family memories and taking lots of pictures,” - is a day that changed my life forever.

That night, after we cried and held each other, I asked Sheri to book a week long cruise for our family, one that would include Roatan, Honduras and other countries. I knew it was time to take a serious look at my “bucket list” and take action. I have always had a burden for missions. When Sheri and I were teenagers we had discussions about feeling God’s call for the foreign mission field. For several years we wrestled with whether to pursue church ministry work or foreign missions. We believe we pursued what God led us to do, but now that I have been diagnosed with dementia it is as though God is making my thoughts more clear and focused toward missions and that our burden for missions has only grown. As I come to consider that my time is likely much shorter on this earth than I had ever imagined, it makes me feel and believe the REALITY that NONE of us are promised tomorrow. I am now trying to live in that reality and pray daily for God’s power to show me the way.

In the early part of the year, unable to perform ministry as I have for over 2 decades, I looked deep inside and decided to become a serious prayer warrior for missions. After all, "active" ministry is not an option. Not trying to be boastful - for it is only because of God's mercy in showing me so many needs around the world and not of my own human effort - I now spend considerable time most every weekday praying for our lost world, and have come to find it addictive - to the point that Sheri recently lost her patience in waiting for us to go out together for lunch one day because I was still in my prayer "office" with maps, and books of the cities of the world, and the Grain Game email updates spread before me when it was well past lunch. God has allowed me to use my time off to do the real heavy lifting of the kingdom work in prayer support. And Chip has reminded me time and time again that nothing significant can happen through [the ministry of] Grain Game without intentional prayer. We are seeing God act.

I wish I could say that this disease is the only hardship we have experienced this year, it is but one of many. On top of a difficult and unexpected end to my career last January, I severed my Achilles tendon while standing still playing basketball with my son, Josh. This injury required surgery, no weight bearing for months, and various with plaster casts. Then, 3 days after going from a cast to a walking boot I ruptured the same tendon again and had to undergo a very involved and painful tendon transfer surgery. Essentially, I did not walk without the assistance of a wheelchair, scooter or crutches from the end of January until September. Sheri especially had a hard time with this injury on top of everything else and neither of us saw how any good could come out of going on our “bucket-list” cruise with a non-weight bearing leg following the second Achilles tear. This injury eliminated most of the snorkeling, cave tubing and beach walks we would normally enjoy.

Ironically, I severed the first tendon while out of town at a prayer and healing service for my dementia disease, so I came back home physically in worse shape despite intense prayers for healing. Then, I ruptured it the second time while at church! We still believe in God’s healing power and continue to seek God, humbly ask for complete healing, repent of any known sin, and have allowed prayer groups to anoint me with oil and join with us in prayer. But up to this moment we have not seen the reality of His divine healing. We do not know if He will completely heal me, but we can see where He has already used my health for what may bring about the salvation of many others. I am willing to be used as His vessel in this way if that is the path God has chosen for me. I will not ask, “Why me?” Instead, I ask, “Why not me?” He is God and I am not.

Sheri: Each year at Christmas, since 1995, I have asked God for a specific character trait or spiritual gift as His gift to me for the following year. Last December, I was convicted to ask for “self-less love” without knowing ahead what was coming in 2011. God has often responded to my yearly request through difficult circumstances that have helped mold me more to His character, but it has not been an easy road by any means. However, I am not the same since 1995, and I would not trade what God has done in our lives for these serious trials. As Job laments, “Shall I accept good from God, and not trouble?” (2:10 NIV).

One of the cruise’s four ports was Roatan, Honduras, and I really wanted to find a mission opportunity there but I did not have time to make any preparations due to my Bar exam study schedule. I had a strong burden for our family to participate in a mission activity in our one day stop on the island of Roatan. I thought about taking a taxi to a local orphanage or school to play with kids and pass out toys, clothes, candy and Bibles. But, alas, time was too short to make plans. I later learned, God had bigger plans and He is the One who sees even when our schedules are too full to pray long prayers like Matt has the time to bring on other’s behalf. But God responded to my desperate, frequent prayers spoken as I ran through those preceding months trying to keep everyone in our family on track and pass the Bar exam. I survived by posting copies of a single scripture verse of whatever God led me to in 7 locations around our house each week and praying that verse throughout the day regarding every heartache and obstacle we faced.

On the ship when disembarking at Roatan, we bought tickets to tour Gumbalimba Park to play with wild monkeys, zipline through the rain forest, and see one of the most beautiful places, Tabyana Beach. However, when our tour bus arrived at Gumbalimba Park the pathways were made of gravel, uneven and too rugged for Matt on his knee scooter or crutches. God promises to make the “rough places plain”, and I thought of this as our guide pointed to an older man on a golf cart who said he would be happy to drive us through the park. He dressed like the other tour guides but we noticed that whenever we rode into an area with him we had special attention and he knew quite a lot of detail about everything in the park. A few hours into our tour Matt mentioned he was a minister and tried to make an effort at ascertaining our guide’s spirituality. The man replied that he was a local pastor of an interdenominational, protestant church in Roatan. The conversation did not go much further and this man seemed to quietly contemplate things. So did I.

Matt mentioned how he regretted not being able to zip line with his foot injury. The man said he could arrange that and have a guide before him and another following after him who would safely transfer him on one leg on 17 tree stands through the one mile course. Although this was a popular excursion this man arranged it in a brief call from his radio. Next, this man asked if he could take us in his personal vehicle to see his church. Of course we accepted with delight. I knew I had underestimated this man when he pulled up in a new Harley Davidson edition Ford pickup truck valued at about $60k, for we had seen only old model vehicles in Roatan. We soon learned that this man, our humble guide for the day, Marco Galindo, owned the park & the beach, built the church himself, feeds 125 or more poor Roatans two meals daily, and loves to host mission groups.

After a couple hours at this church, Marco grinned at us and said, “Nothing makes me happier in this world than to host mission trips, would you like to come back and bring others?” Marco is now hosting us for Grain Game Roatan sometime in the future[...] He will gather as many kids we can handle - “100 or 1000” were his words. He is also open to any other type of mission trips we might feel led to do there[...] Our God who sees knew that unless we had a need for the “rough places to be made smooth” then this opportunity would likely have been missed. We now thank God for the severed Achilles tendon that made all of this possible.

I am so thankful for the Rouse's wonderful testimony. Praise God for every situation, for we never know how he will use it if we follow Him. Also check out The Grain Game website and prayerfully consider making a donation to this ministry.

Today was one of those days...

It was one of those days that life didn't really make sense, when God's plan seemed "flawed", when I couldn't see the promise through the pain. When the tears flowed freely and the comfort didn't seem to come. Watching someone struggle, having absolutely nothing comforting to say, knowing that the fact that "God is in control" just doesn't really make the hurt go away. Knowing that it will take God's binding of these wounds in order for them to heal, and knowing that that takes a lot more than words. Knowing that the healing can only come through time, and that the knowledge may not come until we can ask our Creator face-to-face what His purpose was for our trials.

I'm reminded of those God loved in Scripture. Those He loved, yet turned over to trials. When, in Job 1:12, He gave Satan permission to do whatever he wanted to Job's possessions, just not to harm Job himself. Then after Satan had destroyed Job's riches, killed his children, again in Job 2:6 God turned Job's physical being over to Satan's hand with just the requirement that he not be killed (something that I'm sure would have actually come as a relief to Job while dealing with these trials). Job never turned from God. He cursed his own life, wishing he had never been born, he questioned why he was having to go through the trials that had been placed on him, Job even thought God had deserted him, but he still never turned from God. And in the end we learn that God had never deserted him either. For 37 chapters there is strife. Job is mocked, rebuked, humiliated by his "friends". God is questioned, made fun of, "tested" by those who had no understanding of Him. It wasn't until chapter 38 that God speaks. And we see in Job 42:10-17 that God blessed Job beyond his previous fortunes, and Job died an old man.

I can't imagine what the Scriptures would read about me if it were recording 37 chapters of my own personal trials. Trials in which I could not feel the warmth of God's love surrounding me. Trials in which there seems no good could ever come. To lose not only all of my possessions, but to lose my children to death, to have my spouse and my friends turn against me. To be turned over to a literal hell on earth, with Satan in control of what happens to me. It is these times when our understanding of God is lacking, when His plan is so beyond the realm of human reason, when we are forced to face our human limitations that it is hardest for our faith to be put into practice. These trials that force us to live the way God has called us, by faith, turning everything over to Him, dying to ourself daily, these trials that make us who God wants us to be. No matter how far we feel from Him at the time. No matter how desperately we cry out to be rescued, but instead feel like we have been abandoned. These chapters in our lives that reveal nothing but pain, sorrow, and desperation. Like the poem says, one day we will get to hear God utter the words, "I did not abandon you, it was then that I carried you." And, hopefully, He will celebrate with us how these trials have molded us. That we can here Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."