If I Could Have 100 Years

Last night while everyone was asleep I cuddled with my beautiful 5 month old baby boy. He was nestled up against my chest, little bubbles still on his pouty lips, and a tiny milk mustache. A perfect moment. I prayed something I have prayed so often over the past few years. Ever since my niece was diagnosed with leukemia, when my friend delivered a beautiful but stillborn baby boy, when I found out in my first trimester with Kason that I had placenta previa and was facing serious risks with delivery, when my friend's mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. When I began to realize just how short life really is, when I realized that no matter how we live our life there's just no guarantee. That was when I began to pray this simple prayer,

"God, there is nowhere I would rather be than in your presence. There is nothing I would cherish more than to view your perfect kingdom, to have no more sorrow, no more pain. But, Lord, I will have eternity with you. So please allow me just 100 years here on Earth. 100 years to face trials, but to watch my family grow. 100 years to witness pain and sorrow, but to be able to provide comfort and love. 100 years is but a breath compared to forever, so please grant me this one small request. I don't need wealth, I don't need fame, I don't need anything but time to be with my family."

I prayed this prayer, as I always do, when in the midst of a beautiful moment. With my baby's hand wrapped around my finger, with a heart full of love. In a beautiful moment when the fear strikes that I may not have many of these moments at all. When I realize that my family may make beautiful moments without me. And when I realize this, that is when I pray for 100 years. But as I prayed last night I felt that stirring in my spirit...you know the feeling when God is trying to tell you something that you might not want to hear. He said,

"Would you still want 100 years, if it was filled with persecution? Would you still want 100 years if your mind was foggy, if your body gave out, if you became a burden to those you love? Would you want 100 years no matter what, or only if it were to be filled with happiness and love and joy? What if I could do more with you in 1 year than I could in 100?"

 So now I guess I will add an addendum to my prayer. The "not my will, but Thine be done." Because, in all honesty, I don't know under what circumstances I would really want 100 years. If I could handle it come what may. So, Lord, I would love 100 years if it is your will for me. If not then give me as many wonderful years as I can have, and let me make the best of it!

I guess God decided now was a good time for me to learn this lesson. Since I have been praying this prayer for years and never heard a response. I mean, there is nothing about that prayer that is "sinful". Ok, if we split hairs it is a pretty selfish prayer, but there is nothing unbiblical about praying to live a long life. And I don't think God decided to reveal these things to me because He is against what I was praying. I have no idea if He will grant me a long life or a short one, but I do know that today I received some scary news that makes the idea of 100 years a little less appealing. After suffering with migraines for the past 2 weeks, several trips to the ER, and being completely unable to care for my own children I learned today that though the headaches can be treated (something I've suffered with for years and just need to get back on anti-seizure medication for) the weakness cannot. That permanent nerve damage is going to be a new part of my life. And now at the age of 26 I'm having to get used to the idea of having trouble holding my baby, not being able to use my hands the way I need to sometimes, the fear that it may get significantly worse. And, even though the diagnoses could have been much worse, and, honestly, I was preparing myself, it still may take me awhile to be able to get used to this reality and become comfortable with it. And although I will still gladly take 100 years, it does make me question how I would feel about 100 years sometime in the future.

Be Still

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Today was a crazy day! It was my "YES" day (which I'm striving to make happen everyday), I found a wonderful challenge that really encouraged me to bring the R&R back to my life (but also required hours of work to get our bedroom even remotely out of the "war zone"), and I still have to manage to live my life in The Spirit, be a purposeful wife, and maintain my position as manager of our household! Whew! The great thing is that this is all becoming more and more natural as I continue to practice it. Less and less overwhelming with each passing day. But when I really stop and think about what it is I'm trying to do, I start to feel like I'm trying to accomplish too much. If I look at this list of things I'm trying to do with my life, changes I'm trying to make, and goals I'm trying to reach, I start to feel like it will never happen. That was when I walked outside to pick up the endless trail of toys my children had brought outside and left out in the rain. In the midst of the chaos I looked up and saw this. I saw the sky, dark from the rain that had just passed; trees turning the most beautiful shades of red, something we don't often get in Louisiana; and this beautiful space God has blessed us with. I immediately felt peaceful, calm, encouraged. It wasn't until I was still, for just a second, that I was able to remember that God is God. That what I am trying to accomplish is not about me, but Him. And in that moment of stillness He said, "I AM, AND I WILL." Praise God for the moments of stillness, no matter how short. Praise God for bringing pause to our hectic lives to remind us that He is and that even though we cannot, He will!

Who Said God Doesn't Speak?

I have been praying since this blog began that God would continue to speak to me. That affirmation of my words would be continuous, so I would not become influenced by other's opinions and that I would know God's work was being done. I have prayed that when the opposition came I could stand firm, having confidence in what was said. Like I said in my post of Thanksgiving, when God sends His revelations He does it with confirmation, affirmation, and perfect timing, and He leaves no doubt that it was He who was speaking. On my daily search of blogs I came upon one today that left me completely breathless. Post after Post after Post spoke words of affirmation to me! It was one of those moments when I heard the voice of God speaking the words into my soul providing encouragement and life to my weary spirit. To God be all the glory and I praise Him for continually making Himself known in my life!

My Pastor Said... ~ Christian Bible Study Blog (CBSB)  was perfectly in line with my post about the importance of studying scripture yourself. It also spoke encouragement to me that even Christian readers who disagree with certain aspects of my posts that God has enforced to me may not be coming from a spirit of truth but of misunderstanding and misleadings.

Having Confidence in God's Word ~ Christian Bible Study Blog (CBSB) was almost word-for-word the conversation my husband and I had last night after I had begun my recent journey on memorizing scripture and reading the Bible through in one year (which is discussed in the post set to publish two days from now...No More Excuses.)

The Virtuous Woman ~ Christian Bible Study Blog (CBSB) was the exact thought process I had while writing my Wife Calling Post and my Wife Challenge.

God the Parent ~ Christian Bible Study Blog (CBSB) reminded me so much of my Truth post and my But Why post since this is a revelation I have felt the Lord leading me to since the birth of my first son.

Food for thought: The Hedge Words We Use ~ Christian Bible Study Blog (CBSB) was just so perfect in so many ways. I have felt God leading me to continue to speak the truth, to not be fearful of other's opinions and accusations, to not water down the message of God in a way that could be "easily digested" by those who do not seek Him and this was exactly what I needed to hear! We need to make sure we are not afraid to offend others by our faith, that we stand firm in our convictions, that we do not make it seem a "personal" choice because, frankly, it is the ONLY one!

When I began this blog I could never have imagined the turn it would take from the very first post. To have God's affirmation and love throughout it all is more than I could have imagined. May my words continue to be HIS words, and may you hear His voice speaking the words on this screen into your hearts and minds with each and every post you read!