Testimonies for Passion

Ironically, Thanksgiving was a time for me to reflect on the hard things. The strange thing that came out of all of these testimonies of trials was the pure joy that was found in all of them. Rising above our circumstances, remembering the calling through those times, becoming restored because of it all. We each have our stories, we each have that moment (or moments) in our lives where we can go one of two ways. We hope and we pray that by sharing our trials, by sharing our stories, that we can catch someone before their trial, that we can catch them in the midst of it, that we can catch them before they make the decision to go the wrong way. We pray that we can teach the lessons that we were only able to learn in our pain. We are passionate to share these lessons, passionate for people to understand, passionate because God has given us the ability to see that all things work together for good. We are passionate for people because we are those "people". We are all broken, imperfect people trying to help other broken, imperfect people. We are all trying to live extraordinary lives while in the midst of ordinary circumstances. We are passionate for life, passionate for others, passionate for God, because somewhere along the way something happened that reminded us that we cannot live our lives lacking passion.

A dear friend of mine shares her amazing story about a moment in life when God became real to her. It's moments like this that remind us why we are passionate for life.


Grow Up - Christine testimony from Istrouma Baptist Church on Vimeo.

8 Weeks to Adoption: Moving Mountains

'"You realize you're pretty much asking us to do the impossible, to move mountains.' My response was, 'Yes, I realize that. But that's not a problem for God. He's in the mountain moving business.'"

In early December, a family was made aware of a beautiful 13 year old girl in need of a home. I shared with you their testimony in late December, asking you to flood Heaven with prayers for this family, and I have been absolutely bouncing off the walls to share with you their success! I've been trying to figure out a way to type this out that truly conveys the absolute miracle that has been performed, but I feel like there are no words that can truly capture the mountains that God has physically moved for this family. I'm not going to be able to give every single detail of every single miraculous step that has happened, just know that it was an absolutely impossible situation in which absolutely impossible things had to happen over and over and over in order for this to happen. I will try to relay the amazing things that have happened, I will try to give you a picture of the sheer magnitude of what God has done, and I know that even if my words fall short the evidence of God's hand and of His purpose is just undeniable!

This was a literal battle against the clock. The only way I can describe it is that here was this little girl trapped in an hour glass, with sand pouring over her, about to run out of time, about to be lost forever. This beautiful, precious daughter of God turns 14 at the end of February. Yes, that is just a few short weeks from now, and it was only 2 short months from the time this family discovered her. If she does not have her "gotcha date" by her birthday, she can NEVER be adopted. Even if there is a family desperately wanting her, they cannot get her, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. She would most likely be turned out to the streets, a victim of sex trafficking or other terrible high risk situations. The problem was, a file had never been made for this precious girl. She has grown up in an orphanage, watched all of her friends get adopted, but no one thought anyone would want her so they never even made a file. It would be impossible to get a file made and to find her a family and to get everything finalized before her birthday. As the adoption agency said, the family was asking to do the impossible, but they said to at least try.

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

Getting a file for this beautiful child of God was, at the moment, the least of this family's worries. They had adopted a daughter just a year ago. Those who have adopted know the financial burden that comes with adoption. How would it be possible to adopt another child so soon? Less than two weeks into the new adoption process they had already received 75% of the money they needed! January 5th, one month later, they have a file for this precious girl!!! This means they should now be able to get pre-approval. In order for things to happen as they need to, they need to happen immediately. By January 10th the impossible was seeming even more impossible and by now time was absolutely critical. The document that was supposed to have left the embassy needed to be there the next day, they needed immediate pre-approval, a log-in date within 24 hours of receipt of their dossier, and LOA (letter of acceptance) before January 23rd.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

On January 13th they had received pre-approval (meaning they were "officially matched") for their beautiful, hopefully soon-to-be daughter. Just hours before  pre-approval they had received a donation that brought them 100% of their needed funds! Praise to the Almighty Father who holds the hearts of the orphans in His hands, who provides for their every need! Also on January 13th their dossier was delivered, and they had been issued a log-in-date the same exact day! Again, praise God for continued answers to prayers! By January 20th they had been issued their LOA! God's continuous provision was completely overwhelming. There is usually an 80 day wait between the time you get your log-in date until the time you receive your LOA. The agency was 98% certain that this would never happen. BUT GOD! On January 21st, Eliana was told that she has a family!!!

On February 1st, their Article 5 had been issued and overnighted (this is approval for Eliana's visa once the adoption is complete). It normally takes a minimum of 2 weeks for this to be issued, but they had theirs within 24hrs. The only thing left was the official invitation to bring their daughter home! Within 2 days they had their travel approval!!! Despite all of the impossible circumstances, the road blocks, the literal mountains that needed to be moved, the only thing left to do is to go get their little girl!!!

^"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

Patience is a Virtue...but is it one of mine?

Have you ever been told not to pray for patience? I have, and I know it's because patience is just not a very fun thing to have to practice. It usually requires going through some pretty hard things to get to the point where you truly are patient. Well, here I am going through a trial of patience and I didn't even pray for it. I am actually a very patient person. Sitting in traffic for 2 hours? No big deal, I'll catch up on the news. Waiting in the doctor's office for 3 hours while she delivers a baby or two? Finally, some peace and quiet to read a book without the kids interrupting. My husband doesn't have a job? Oh, well I will wait on the Lord because He will provide. I am realizing that I'm not as patient as I thought. I'm just selfishly patient. I'm mostly patient when it's convenient to be patient.

When I'm in the middle of something and my babies keep interrupting me I'm not patient. When I'm sitting here in constant pain, still waiting for test results to come in and getting no answers I'm not patient. When I ask my dear, sweet hubby to make me a sandwich and it takes just a little too long I am not patient. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. Oh, I may still have more patience than most people, but I am not perfectly patient in every situation. And patience has been becoming a lot easier in the past few years with the situations we have dealt with, but I am obviously just not there yet. Yes, I'm a pretty patient person, but I do still have work to do. So this requires God to bring me through trials, to refine me, to bring to the surface my weakness so He can remove it from me. I am not always patient, and God is bringing to my attention the times that I am not patient and that I am not patient in Him. And He is bringing to my attention the reasons why I am only "sefishly" patient.

I am patient when the situation is so far beyond my control that there is nothing I can do, I am forced to be patient. But I am not patient when I feel there is something I should be able to handle myself. I am not patient because I am still trying to be in control. I am patient when it is in my best interests to be patient. Some peace and quiet, time to do something for myself, of course I can be patient then, but I am not patient when it is uncomfortable. I am not patient when it is something that I feel needs to be done now. I am not patient because I am selfish. I am patient when I can see the bigger picture, but sometimes there is no bigger picture. I cannot be patient when I am taking two steps back every time I'm trying to move forward. I'm not patient because I am not perfectly trusting. Nope, I am honestly not very patient at all, and I obviously have work to do in some other areas as well. 

God, I know they say, "never to pray for patience," but you desire that of me. I know that it may mean trials, even more than what I face now, but if that's what it takes to make me patient then I am willing. I may not be ready, but I am willing. God, grant me patience by removing in me my need for control, my selfishness, my lack of trust in you. Bring to the surface all of my impurities and wipe them away. Make me as pure as gold refined in the fire, and bring me to perfection in You. Amen.

What I Want My Kids to Learn from Me...Marriage

There's a reason the words are in this order...
Live, Laugh, Love

Never underestimate how hard marriage is. Yes, there are a lot of good times, but even those only come from the work that you put into the bad times. You know how you feel about your brother and sister some days? You will have those same feelings about your spouse too. They are in your space, they know too much about you, you have to compromise when you don't want to. That's why it is so important for you to learn now how to play with others. Make sure you marry your best friend, and make sure you play together every day. Learn how to be a team, to work together, to laugh at yourself and each other. It makes the hard times easier, and it makes you want to keep trying to get through them. Romance comes and goes, but friendship will last throughout the good times and the bad. It gives you someone to live your life with and to enjoy the little, everyday moments that seem so mundane. If you marry your best friend, you don't need a date night to connect with your spouse. If you marry your best friend, you will reconnect through every situation every single day. If you marry your best friend, life is fun and your family time is a party. Never underestimate the value of marrying your friend!

We sat in the stork, and 9 months later Maddox joined our family...
maybe there's more to the story than meets the eye

Don't try to plan out your lifestory, just live it while it happens. The most enjoyable moments in marriage are the ones that are unexpected. If you are busy trying to live your life by the bullet points you have set, you will miss out on what life really has in store for you. Be flexible, be willing to change your plans at a moments notice, and learn to go with the flow. Remember that you are not perfect, but never stop striving to be your best. The greatest freedom is learning to give up what you want in your life and allowing God to take control. Allow God to take your marriage and turn it into what he has planned. Allow Him to make the big decisions for you, and trust Him with it. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He wants great and wonderful things to come from your life. Don't settle for a marriage that the world sees as great, strive for a marriage that God sees as amazing. If you think God will do wonderful things with you, just imagine what He can do with the partnership you have formed with another person!

Every July 4, we go to a game together.
Marrying a baseball player, I rarely get to enjoy the game WITH him.
It's nice to connect doing something he loves and I love supporting!

Enrich your life together with traditions. There is nothing more important than forming lasting memories together. Make traditions that bring you closer together, give you time to get to know eachother better, and, most importantly, have fun. I hope that as I strive to form traditions with you, that you will enjoy them so much you want to use them with your own family. But never forget to make your own traditions. The traditions I make for us are important to me, so go ahead and make some traditions that are important to you. And if you could pass along my name, so I become the cool great-great grandma B, I'd appreciate it!

There's no better way to see the beauty of God's creation
than to enjoy it with the one He created for you to enjoy it with.

There's not one perfect person for everyone, until you're married. Don't ever settle for less than what you desire, but don't waste your life searching for the "perfect" person. No one is perfect, and even those who you think are, you will soon learn that they are not. When you find someone worthy to spend your life with and make the committment to each other, then that is when God's seal is placed on your life together, this is when they become "The One". When you make the vow to remain with each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, so long as you both shall live, mean it. It's not just words, and from that moment on, no matter what, you are meant to be together. Divorce is not an option. The hard times will come, but fight through them as if your life depends on it...because it does. And when you make it through, because if you both fight for it you will make it, you will be better together than you were before. Do not ever doubt the power God has to transform your marriage, I have seen it first hand. Do not ever doubt if this is the person you are meant to be with. There are no "what-ifs" or "if it were so-and-so" there is only now. You made the choice, so stick by it and do not back out, ever.

Nothing will prove how great of a team you really are than
children. Nothing will make you as strong of a couple as dedicating
yourselves to the common goal of raising a family together.

And if you are as lucky as we were, and God blesses you with children, dedicate your life to them. Recognize the fullness children bring to your family, how they bind you together, how they make you an even stronger team than you were before. I never even knew what true love was, until God gave you to us. Children change your entire life. They make the trials worth it, the future seems brighter, and they will reveal the nature of God to you more than you could ever imagine. Marriage is just the beginning, family is what happens when the dreams of marriage come to fruition. It may be hard, and it may not come easily, but it will be the most important thing you will ever do with your life if you chose to give your family over to God and dedicate your life to making that happen. Follow God's will for your family, for your children, and you will have the greatest impact on the world any person could ever have!

Prayer from an aching heart

OH GOD
The emptiness that the world leaves us is sometimes unbearable.
We try to be strong and to make it through intact, but the wounds, the scars, the brokenness that gets left behind is just a constant reminder of how weak we truly are.

God, we want to believe this world will be easy, or at the very least manageable.

We pray that the joy we feel in you would help us overcome all things.

But sometimes it is just too much. Too much loss, too much pain, too much loneliness.

Too much for me to carry, too much for me to understand, too much for me to want to take upon myself.

God, YOU DO IT. Do it all, carry it all, understand it all for me, TAKE IT ALL.

Bind these wounds that they may heal. Remove my scars. Stop the bleeding in my aching heart.

Lord, cover me, heal me, LOVE ME.

Catch my tears in your open hands, stop the shaking in my restless spirit, speak quietly to me. 

Let me feel you, draw close to me as I seek after You, cover me in your strength, complete yourself in my weakness.

Let me be a light shining in the darkness. Let that light burn brighter in the troubled times.

At the end, when looking back on my life, allow me to be able to look back in pride that I was able to handle myself with grace and dignity. God allow me to see only You when I look back on myself.

We praise you for the storm, we love you for the trying times, we seek you in the darkness.

Help us through, WE FOLLOW YOU COME WHAT MAY.

I'm Not Perfect...Thus I Blog...

I mean, I think that is rather obvious don't you! There is nothing about me that is "super" and there is nothing that I do that you can't do yourself. This blog is really more of a "personal journal" that I hoped God would use to encourage women. I say it's a personal journal because every post, every verse, every topic is all about me and where I am. My struggles, my successes, what God has spoken to me. I still have to act on everything I write. Just because I know it's the truth and I know it's what's right, doesn't mean I always do it either. But one thing I've learned these past few years, and especially these past few months, is how God can use my imperfections for His glory. Here's a little overview of what God has actually taught me through my own blog, or, rather, what He has taught me because I made the decision to be obedient to Him when I started this blog and was willing to share His message instead of my own.

I was going to share the regular stuff. My family, breastfeeding information, activities for the kids. Usual, "boring" stuff. I wrote up a few posts, including one that dealt with the Bible Study I was in (Beth Moore's Fruits of the Spirit study) and shared it with some friends. They thought it was great, so I decided to go ahead and post it, figuring maybe, maybe, 50 people would read it. I started with the post about my Bible Study. Let's just say the reaction was less than welcoming. The details are not important, but it got very, very messy. Add to that I was silently dealing with a miscarriage while trying to take care of a three month old and two toddlers. I thought I had made a mistake, bitten off more than I could chew, strayed from the "purpose" God had called me to. But in the midst of it all God spoke. In the middle of the storm, God came to me and held me. He didn't calm the storm (in fact, it raged for months, and has only recently calmed to a light drizzle), but He calmed me, and He used this trial to teach me more about myself, more about my ministry, more about others than ever before. So now, even though my blog isn't full of the information I thought it would be, even though it isn't as "fun" or as "me", I realized that God wanted to do something even better with it. Even if at the time it didn't feel like it was what was better for me. I don't know if I would have learned these things about myself if I had stuck to my original plans for the blog. I would not have met the amazing women that I have in the process and received such encouragement from them. I would not have learned who my true friends are. I wouldn't have discovered so much about my own personal beliefs. I know for a fact that I would not have been able to touch so many people's lives with my posts. But God can...and He did...

I have most recently learned not to compare myself to others. That my worth is not dependant on how it relates to someone else's greatness or how I am viewed by others. Which is really great because I fail every day in so many different areas. I can do a lot of things, but I can't do it all. And those areas that I struggle in can so easily become stumbling blocks for me. Luckily I can take my struggles and turn them into encouragement. I am messy (seriously, take a look at the before picture!) I struggle with being a good wife, I struggle with being gentle, I have my own mommy confessions. I have a hard time saying yes to my kids. I live a not-so-perfect life. But I can also overcome the mess, I can work on using gentleness, I can be a YES mom. I know it sounds so easy when I put it that way, but it is a daily journey becoming who it is that God has called me to be, the good thing is I can do it. The good thing is I am made perfect in Christ and God is working me towards that perfection every single day.

I know, there are a TON of links in this post (click on the red wording to open a link related to that phrase)! I don't expect you to be able to read all of them (although I wish you would). Just think of this as my year in review! I wanted to make sure I put the links in to make sure you knew exactly what I was talking about. Hopefully, you can get to know me a little better. To be able to see my heart. I pray that God reveals and works in you the same as He did in me through this blog so far! So, let's continue our journey together as I take a little glimpse into the future...

My Journey: Our Engagement

Praise God we made it to a new year (well, hopefully, since I'm writing this in early December and I guess there's still no guarantees)! BUT if we are reading this we made it to a new year! Our engagement story was not glamorous like I had always pictured it (I may have watched one too many cheesy 90's love stories, but I refuse to admit it), and it took several conversations with my hubby to really get him to share all the details about why he proposed the way he did. But, when I look back, it was perfect. It was cute and thoughtful and personal, just what a proposal should be. It was a perfect representation of who my husband is, and what he wanted our life together to be about. And, well, it reminds me where we were in our relationship at the time and how far we've come when I think about it. Plus, I got a pretty gorgeous man (and ring) out of the deal...

We had gone shopping for rings several months before. I am not one of those people who likes to be surprised. In fact, I kind of loathe it (I know, it's another weird thing that I don't understand about myself and I'm working on...) Luckily, my hubby knows me well enough to know that the ring is not something that he should pick out by himself. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved the meaning behind whatever ring he picked out, but, well, maybe I had read too many bridal magazines or something and I already had some pretty solid ideas about what I wanted. Honestly, shopping for the ring together was almost as special to me as the proposal itself (and not even because of the actual ring). I loved the look on his face while we looked for rings together, the shock he got a few times when they brought out a ring that was a "little" too extravagant, and the pride in his eyes when he told the jewelers why we were there. It was the first big decision we made together. It was a special time for us to spend together. And those of you who actually like surprises will appreciate the fact that my hubby didn't give in to me 100%, he still had to surprise me a little bit (it's all about compromise right). He made me pick two rings that I loved then he went back later and picked out which one he wanted. This drove me nuts because even though I picked out two I really only liked one of them! I would even dream about one particular ring, and it drove me nuts not knowing if that was the one he picked. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell him that I loved that one so much more just in case he picked the other one!

Since we went shopping for rings together, I knew it was coming. Maybe the only downside to shopping together that he hadn't considered was the fact that it took him a little too long after that to actually propose. After Christmas, when he didn't propose, I had convinced myself that he had changed his mind since it had been a couple of months. One night after enjoying a night out we sat in his parents drive-way while I cried and asked him if he still loved me (thank goodness I am a more confident, patient person than I was then!) He gave me the most beautiful speech about how much he loved me, what I meant to him, and how he wanted to spend his life with me, but I just needed to wait. I later found out that this was the speech he had prepared for the proposal and if I had just waited a couple of days he would have been able to say it under "more pleasant" circumstances, but, well, that's the way real life works out sometimes. Sometimes it's not as neat and tidy as you see it in the movies. On New Year's Day at dinner with my family he proposed to me. While he was talking my sister's boyfriend's mom screamed and hollered with excitement the whole time, I was actually looking at my sister asking her, "Is he really doing this," and my brother had gone to the bathroom and missed the whole thing. Again, messy, not perfect, and actually pretty funny. I still tease him about not getting on his knee, and he says it's a good thing he got to tell me his speech earlier since I wouldn't have heard it anyway if he had used it during the actual proposal.

The great thing about our proposal was how real it was. We are not super romantic, mushy people. When we try we just end up laughing about it because it feels so cheesy and unnatural. We are not extravagant. We are simple home-bodies who enjoy spending time first and foremost with our families. And that's exactly what the proposal was about. He proposed on New Year's Day because he wanted it to represent a "new start" to our life together. He did it surrounded by family because he wanted me to know how important it was that they were a part of it. AND he actually picked the perfect ring!!! Although, that surprise was ruined the same day he proposed because right before the big moment I went to check his truck to get something and found the receipt (I promise I was not purposefully looking for it!) Since the rings were from two different jewelers I knew which one he picked, and I pretty much figured out he would probably be proposing that day. But, again, that part of the story is just so us, since I really do hate surprises.

Looking back I learn a lot about myself through our engagement story. A lot about expectations, about my own personal flaws, about our relationship. I can see where we were (my own immaturity at times) where we are now (some things I still struggle with). I can remember how much we loved eachother then, and sit here in amazement when I realize how much more I love him even now. Think back on your dating/ engagement story. What can it teach you about yourself? Look at how far you've come. Whether you believe you've gone forward or backward, it's amazing how differently things end up when we look back.

The Start of a New Year!

Today is the end of 2011 and tomorrow begins 2012! God has been so good this year, not because everything in my life has always been good, but because God has always been there. To orchestrate every plan, to work it out for the good of His Kingdom even when it doesn't feel like it's for my own personal good, to bury me in His love and His grace even though it is the last thing I deserve and, sometimes, the last thing that I even want. To have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to require greatness, who will bind my wounds no matter how painful and restore me to Him even when I try to turn away through my hurt. A God who became human to understand every single human emotion I face, and who did it all perfectly as an example to me. To have a God who sacrificed His very self to save me, a wretched sinner, because He still desires to be with me. For everything God has given me, even if I never received anything beyond my salvation, I owe Him my life.

I hope you were as encouraged in December as I was by the testimonies of others. The stories I was ale to share of trials, victory, and purpose. For the month of January I figured I would go the opposite direction and focus on myself. Although, I would never want to go back, and I'm definitely not one of those people who says "I wouldn't do anything differently" because, trust me, there's a lot that I would do differently if given the chance, I love taking the time to look back on my life. To see where I've been, and where I am now. To look back and have the opportunity to realize things that I never noticed before. So, in the month of January, the start of a new year, I will be taking a journey back. To remember where I was, so I can see where I am now. To look back on the good and the bad things that have brought me to where I am today. To take the time to examine the facric of my life and see exactly where it is that God has shown Himself. I hope you'll take this journey with me, and allow me some grace to talk a little (or a lot) about myself.

So here we go! Here is my story. A story of love, loss, mistakes, trials, and victories! Tomorrow is the first stop on my journey, my engagement story. As I celebrate the 5 year anniversary of the day I decided to spend the rest of my life with my husband I hope you will join me!

"Just Pray That God Would Give or Take Bella"...

...These were the words that stopped my heart, that brought tears to my eyes, that made the world stop spinning just for a split second. As a mom I know the love it takes to say these words, I know the strength, and I'm definitely not there yet. It saddens me that some moms are forced to have to choose. To choose between desperately wanting your children to stay with you, selfishly wanting to love them, and giving them over to God knowing that He will probably take them from you. It reminds me of something my friend told me one day that really resonated with me a lot. She said, "Sometimes, I struggle with telling my children how much God loves them. I don't want them to think I love them any less. It's selfish, but I don't want them to think anyone loves them more than I do." On the surface how superficial does that sound, we want to say to eachother, but of course God loves them more...and OF COURSE He does...but do we really live it? When our children are suffering do we believe that God still loves them more than we do? We are here holding onto them as tightly as we can, protecting them, raising them, and He has "let" this happen. How could He do this if he truly loved them? Just typing out those words brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, but how true is it? I so often forget that God loves and does more for my children than I ever can and will.

His plan is perfect, while mine is selfish. If my children were suffering would I be able to ask others to pray for God to take them from me? I can answer at this moment that I doubt I could. On Criminal Minds the other day a father was told his son was dying of cancer. He wanted his son to know that it was ok, so he held his hand and told him it wasn't losing if he didn't make it, that giving up when you know you can't beat it means you've won. And then his son died. My gosh, my heart, just thinking about it, is about to stop beating it hurts so badly. As I watched this I almost ran to my children's rooms and cried out for them not to leave me. I pictured myself in this same scenario as my child is dying screaming out at God not to take them, yelling at the doctors to save them, grabbing onto my child as tightly as I could, never letting go, believing that just by holding them they would have to stay with me. I don't think I would react in a way that shows God's love, God's power, God's purpose.

But here is my friend, the perfect picture of strength and love and compassion, the exact opposite of everything I believe I would do in this situation, offerring her hurting child up to God. Realizing that God loves Bella more than she ever can and will, and knowing that He has the perfect plan. They only had a year with her since they found the tumor. A year filled with surgeries, treatments, hope, disappointment. In fact, at this time last year they had no idea what was about to happen to them. But today their daughter is lying in a bed while they try to make her comfortable and wait. And my friend and her family are telling others to pray that God would give or take. I am left breathless by them, by their situation, by their pain, by their testimony. I pray for this sweet little girl and her family. And I pray that, if I ever need, that I will be as loving and strong as her parents are. I pray that God would be able to use my testimony for good, and that I wouldn't screw it up with my own selfishness. I pray that even with my "healthy" children I can learn to give them completely to God. For Him to love perfectly, to hold completely, to use rightly.

Please keep sweet Bella and her family in your prayers as they go through this difficult time. I know they appraciate such support and love!

UPDATE: AT 6:22 AM ON FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2011 BELLA VERY PEACEFULLY WENT HOME TO JESUS. We know that Jesus is holding this sweet girl right now until her mommy and daddy can see her again. Please pray for her mom, dad, and sister as they go through this.

Trials through ADOPTION...one family's journey

I normally don't share things on facebook about raising money. If I don't know the  family, even if I know the person who posted it, I just don't know if it is genuine or not. When my former associate youth minister posted this on facebook I immediately felt called to share it, so I posted it on my wall. A friend then asked where the family was from, and after asking Danielle if the family was local she shared this with me...

"They live in Texas and go to Gateway church with us. The Jones family is amazing!!!! They have four biological children and adopted a beautiful little girl last year from China. The 12 year old, that they are trying to adopt, is about to age out of the orphanage. When this happens if the orphanage is crowded, the kids are put on the streets. Many times these are the girls that are picked up for sex trade. Thanks for sharing their story!!!"

Here is some of the story from their site...

"The 'place' where she lives never started paperwork for her to be able to be adopted because they didn't think anyone would want her. In this 'place' once a child turns 14 they can NEVER be adopted. Even if they have a family waiting for them if the family does not have their Gotcha day before the 14th birthday they will NEVER be adopted. This girl is turning 14 at the end of February. Because the 'place' she is at just started paperwork for her to be able to be adopted it has left a VERY short, almost impossible time frame for anyone to be able to get through all the necessary steps to get to her in time... The lady at our adoption agency said to me yesterday, 'You realize you're pretty much asking us to do the impossible, to move mountains.' My response was, 'Yes, I realize that. But that's not a problem for God. He's in the mountain moving business.'"

My heart is so full for this family. Full of hope, full of anxiety, full of wonder. I cannot wait to see how God works in this situation, but I have a feeling it's going to be amazing and I have to share it. Please consider donating to the family or at least place them on your prayer list and flood the throne room of Heaven with prayers for this beautiful girl and this sweet family. You can buy a shirt from the family (it's super cute) to help out, donate, or just read more of their story by clicking here. Thank you so much, friends! I can't wait to share the ending to this story with you!

Check out their 8 weeks to adoption and the ending to their story!

If I Could Have 100 Years

Last night while everyone was asleep I cuddled with my beautiful 5 month old baby boy. He was nestled up against my chest, little bubbles still on his pouty lips, and a tiny milk mustache. A perfect moment. I prayed something I have prayed so often over the past few years. Ever since my niece was diagnosed with leukemia, when my friend delivered a beautiful but stillborn baby boy, when I found out in my first trimester with Kason that I had placenta previa and was facing serious risks with delivery, when my friend's mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. When I began to realize just how short life really is, when I realized that no matter how we live our life there's just no guarantee. That was when I began to pray this simple prayer,

"God, there is nowhere I would rather be than in your presence. There is nothing I would cherish more than to view your perfect kingdom, to have no more sorrow, no more pain. But, Lord, I will have eternity with you. So please allow me just 100 years here on Earth. 100 years to face trials, but to watch my family grow. 100 years to witness pain and sorrow, but to be able to provide comfort and love. 100 years is but a breath compared to forever, so please grant me this one small request. I don't need wealth, I don't need fame, I don't need anything but time to be with my family."

I prayed this prayer, as I always do, when in the midst of a beautiful moment. With my baby's hand wrapped around my finger, with a heart full of love. In a beautiful moment when the fear strikes that I may not have many of these moments at all. When I realize that my family may make beautiful moments without me. And when I realize this, that is when I pray for 100 years. But as I prayed last night I felt that stirring in my spirit...you know the feeling when God is trying to tell you something that you might not want to hear. He said,

"Would you still want 100 years, if it was filled with persecution? Would you still want 100 years if your mind was foggy, if your body gave out, if you became a burden to those you love? Would you want 100 years no matter what, or only if it were to be filled with happiness and love and joy? What if I could do more with you in 1 year than I could in 100?"

 So now I guess I will add an addendum to my prayer. The "not my will, but Thine be done." Because, in all honesty, I don't know under what circumstances I would really want 100 years. If I could handle it come what may. So, Lord, I would love 100 years if it is your will for me. If not then give me as many wonderful years as I can have, and let me make the best of it!

I guess God decided now was a good time for me to learn this lesson. Since I have been praying this prayer for years and never heard a response. I mean, there is nothing about that prayer that is "sinful". Ok, if we split hairs it is a pretty selfish prayer, but there is nothing unbiblical about praying to live a long life. And I don't think God decided to reveal these things to me because He is against what I was praying. I have no idea if He will grant me a long life or a short one, but I do know that today I received some scary news that makes the idea of 100 years a little less appealing. After suffering with migraines for the past 2 weeks, several trips to the ER, and being completely unable to care for my own children I learned today that though the headaches can be treated (something I've suffered with for years and just need to get back on anti-seizure medication for) the weakness cannot. That permanent nerve damage is going to be a new part of my life. And now at the age of 26 I'm having to get used to the idea of having trouble holding my baby, not being able to use my hands the way I need to sometimes, the fear that it may get significantly worse. And, even though the diagnoses could have been much worse, and, honestly, I was preparing myself, it still may take me awhile to be able to get used to this reality and become comfortable with it. And although I will still gladly take 100 years, it does make me question how I would feel about 100 years sometime in the future.

The Gift of Testimony through Trials

This Thanksgiving I was led on a journey of learning how to worship through thanks and praise. During my 25 Days of Thanksgiving, when I made it halfway on my list of 1,000, when I learned to thank God for my family's experiences with Autism, and I finally reached the point where I could truly thank Him for the hardest things. This year, I was able to celebrate a truly gracious Thanksgiving. But the number one thing I took from this Journey of Thanksgiving was that this spirit of Thanksgiving is about a lifestyle, not just a season. It's all about recognizing that God is in control. Recognizing His hand wherever you are, in whatever may come, however He decides to work.

Here is a great testimony of a family's faith through the trying times. This is the story of our former Associate Minister of Music and his wife, Matt and Sheri Rouse. It's a little long since it was taken from their transcript of the Grain Game's Winter Ball speech, but I encourage you to read it when you have time. Their testimony and encouragement is truly a great reminder of the strength we have been given in Christ in every situation. A word from Matt before you read: Tonight is the first time I have spoken in public about this, for it has taken me months to become comfortable sharing what you are about to read. The story goes beyond my health into the greater purposes God has for our lives...for good and in the bad.

Matt: Sheri and I have some difficult things to share with you tonight, but also some exciting answers to prayer where God has showed Himself to be the One who sees the whole picture of our lives and has worked to turn the devastating into good. Last February, after many tests and consultations with specialists, I was diagnosed with what appears to be front temporal dementia at the age of 43. This rare disease is much more aggressive and different than Alzheimer’s. It affects the frontal lobe of the brain. At onset it is limited primarily to executive function problems and personality changes. The really bad news is that it is 100% fatal and untreatable. In March, my doctor told Sheri that my life expectancy was much shorter than we first thought, because with this disease the younger you are at diagnosis, the shorter your life expectancy. When it came time for my doctor to discuss my life expectancy, I asked to leave the room. I continued to believe I would make it at least 10 more years according to more optimistic research I had made. It took me until early June before I was willing to hear what my doctors had told Sheri regarding my life expectancy. The day I heard the words, “Two to three years, and make sure to spend the next year making family memories and taking lots of pictures,” - is a day that changed my life forever.

That night, after we cried and held each other, I asked Sheri to book a week long cruise for our family, one that would include Roatan, Honduras and other countries. I knew it was time to take a serious look at my “bucket list” and take action. I have always had a burden for missions. When Sheri and I were teenagers we had discussions about feeling God’s call for the foreign mission field. For several years we wrestled with whether to pursue church ministry work or foreign missions. We believe we pursued what God led us to do, but now that I have been diagnosed with dementia it is as though God is making my thoughts more clear and focused toward missions and that our burden for missions has only grown. As I come to consider that my time is likely much shorter on this earth than I had ever imagined, it makes me feel and believe the REALITY that NONE of us are promised tomorrow. I am now trying to live in that reality and pray daily for God’s power to show me the way.

In the early part of the year, unable to perform ministry as I have for over 2 decades, I looked deep inside and decided to become a serious prayer warrior for missions. After all, "active" ministry is not an option. Not trying to be boastful - for it is only because of God's mercy in showing me so many needs around the world and not of my own human effort - I now spend considerable time most every weekday praying for our lost world, and have come to find it addictive - to the point that Sheri recently lost her patience in waiting for us to go out together for lunch one day because I was still in my prayer "office" with maps, and books of the cities of the world, and the Grain Game email updates spread before me when it was well past lunch. God has allowed me to use my time off to do the real heavy lifting of the kingdom work in prayer support. And Chip has reminded me time and time again that nothing significant can happen through [the ministry of] Grain Game without intentional prayer. We are seeing God act.

I wish I could say that this disease is the only hardship we have experienced this year, it is but one of many. On top of a difficult and unexpected end to my career last January, I severed my Achilles tendon while standing still playing basketball with my son, Josh. This injury required surgery, no weight bearing for months, and various with plaster casts. Then, 3 days after going from a cast to a walking boot I ruptured the same tendon again and had to undergo a very involved and painful tendon transfer surgery. Essentially, I did not walk without the assistance of a wheelchair, scooter or crutches from the end of January until September. Sheri especially had a hard time with this injury on top of everything else and neither of us saw how any good could come out of going on our “bucket-list” cruise with a non-weight bearing leg following the second Achilles tear. This injury eliminated most of the snorkeling, cave tubing and beach walks we would normally enjoy.

Ironically, I severed the first tendon while out of town at a prayer and healing service for my dementia disease, so I came back home physically in worse shape despite intense prayers for healing. Then, I ruptured it the second time while at church! We still believe in God’s healing power and continue to seek God, humbly ask for complete healing, repent of any known sin, and have allowed prayer groups to anoint me with oil and join with us in prayer. But up to this moment we have not seen the reality of His divine healing. We do not know if He will completely heal me, but we can see where He has already used my health for what may bring about the salvation of many others. I am willing to be used as His vessel in this way if that is the path God has chosen for me. I will not ask, “Why me?” Instead, I ask, “Why not me?” He is God and I am not.

Sheri: Each year at Christmas, since 1995, I have asked God for a specific character trait or spiritual gift as His gift to me for the following year. Last December, I was convicted to ask for “self-less love” without knowing ahead what was coming in 2011. God has often responded to my yearly request through difficult circumstances that have helped mold me more to His character, but it has not been an easy road by any means. However, I am not the same since 1995, and I would not trade what God has done in our lives for these serious trials. As Job laments, “Shall I accept good from God, and not trouble?” (2:10 NIV).

One of the cruise’s four ports was Roatan, Honduras, and I really wanted to find a mission opportunity there but I did not have time to make any preparations due to my Bar exam study schedule. I had a strong burden for our family to participate in a mission activity in our one day stop on the island of Roatan. I thought about taking a taxi to a local orphanage or school to play with kids and pass out toys, clothes, candy and Bibles. But, alas, time was too short to make plans. I later learned, God had bigger plans and He is the One who sees even when our schedules are too full to pray long prayers like Matt has the time to bring on other’s behalf. But God responded to my desperate, frequent prayers spoken as I ran through those preceding months trying to keep everyone in our family on track and pass the Bar exam. I survived by posting copies of a single scripture verse of whatever God led me to in 7 locations around our house each week and praying that verse throughout the day regarding every heartache and obstacle we faced.

On the ship when disembarking at Roatan, we bought tickets to tour Gumbalimba Park to play with wild monkeys, zipline through the rain forest, and see one of the most beautiful places, Tabyana Beach. However, when our tour bus arrived at Gumbalimba Park the pathways were made of gravel, uneven and too rugged for Matt on his knee scooter or crutches. God promises to make the “rough places plain”, and I thought of this as our guide pointed to an older man on a golf cart who said he would be happy to drive us through the park. He dressed like the other tour guides but we noticed that whenever we rode into an area with him we had special attention and he knew quite a lot of detail about everything in the park. A few hours into our tour Matt mentioned he was a minister and tried to make an effort at ascertaining our guide’s spirituality. The man replied that he was a local pastor of an interdenominational, protestant church in Roatan. The conversation did not go much further and this man seemed to quietly contemplate things. So did I.

Matt mentioned how he regretted not being able to zip line with his foot injury. The man said he could arrange that and have a guide before him and another following after him who would safely transfer him on one leg on 17 tree stands through the one mile course. Although this was a popular excursion this man arranged it in a brief call from his radio. Next, this man asked if he could take us in his personal vehicle to see his church. Of course we accepted with delight. I knew I had underestimated this man when he pulled up in a new Harley Davidson edition Ford pickup truck valued at about $60k, for we had seen only old model vehicles in Roatan. We soon learned that this man, our humble guide for the day, Marco Galindo, owned the park & the beach, built the church himself, feeds 125 or more poor Roatans two meals daily, and loves to host mission groups.

After a couple hours at this church, Marco grinned at us and said, “Nothing makes me happier in this world than to host mission trips, would you like to come back and bring others?” Marco is now hosting us for Grain Game Roatan sometime in the future[...] He will gather as many kids we can handle - “100 or 1000” were his words. He is also open to any other type of mission trips we might feel led to do there[...] Our God who sees knew that unless we had a need for the “rough places to be made smooth” then this opportunity would likely have been missed. We now thank God for the severed Achilles tendon that made all of this possible.

I am so thankful for the Rouse's wonderful testimony. Praise God for every situation, for we never know how he will use it if we follow Him. Also check out The Grain Game website and prayerfully consider making a donation to this ministry.

Today was one of those days...

It was one of those days that life didn't really make sense, when God's plan seemed "flawed", when I couldn't see the promise through the pain. When the tears flowed freely and the comfort didn't seem to come. Watching someone struggle, having absolutely nothing comforting to say, knowing that the fact that "God is in control" just doesn't really make the hurt go away. Knowing that it will take God's binding of these wounds in order for them to heal, and knowing that that takes a lot more than words. Knowing that the healing can only come through time, and that the knowledge may not come until we can ask our Creator face-to-face what His purpose was for our trials.

I'm reminded of those God loved in Scripture. Those He loved, yet turned over to trials. When, in Job 1:12, He gave Satan permission to do whatever he wanted to Job's possessions, just not to harm Job himself. Then after Satan had destroyed Job's riches, killed his children, again in Job 2:6 God turned Job's physical being over to Satan's hand with just the requirement that he not be killed (something that I'm sure would have actually come as a relief to Job while dealing with these trials). Job never turned from God. He cursed his own life, wishing he had never been born, he questioned why he was having to go through the trials that had been placed on him, Job even thought God had deserted him, but he still never turned from God. And in the end we learn that God had never deserted him either. For 37 chapters there is strife. Job is mocked, rebuked, humiliated by his "friends". God is questioned, made fun of, "tested" by those who had no understanding of Him. It wasn't until chapter 38 that God speaks. And we see in Job 42:10-17 that God blessed Job beyond his previous fortunes, and Job died an old man.

I can't imagine what the Scriptures would read about me if it were recording 37 chapters of my own personal trials. Trials in which I could not feel the warmth of God's love surrounding me. Trials in which there seems no good could ever come. To lose not only all of my possessions, but to lose my children to death, to have my spouse and my friends turn against me. To be turned over to a literal hell on earth, with Satan in control of what happens to me. It is these times when our understanding of God is lacking, when His plan is so beyond the realm of human reason, when we are forced to face our human limitations that it is hardest for our faith to be put into practice. These trials that force us to live the way God has called us, by faith, turning everything over to Him, dying to ourself daily, these trials that make us who God wants us to be. No matter how far we feel from Him at the time. No matter how desperately we cry out to be rescued, but instead feel like we have been abandoned. These chapters in our lives that reveal nothing but pain, sorrow, and desperation. Like the poem says, one day we will get to hear God utter the words, "I did not abandon you, it was then that I carried you." And, hopefully, He will celebrate with us how these trials have molded us. That we can here Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Heaven is for Real...for kids too!

I saw a post on The Better Mom today (make sure to check it out so you can enter their giveaway) about the new "Heaven is for Real for kids". It got me really excited! The book is based on the true story of a boy, Colton, who entered Heaven while undergoing surgery for a ruptured appendix. In the years that followed he began sharing some of his experience with his father, who is a pastor. He soon realized that their son had entered into Heaven. Colton shared experiences and details that coincided with scripture that he could not have possibly known at the tender young age of 4. This book was so profound to me, and I knew it would be a great tool to help teach my children about Heaven, so I am beyond excited that there is a version geared towards sharing this story with children! You can check out the book on Amazon to get a peek inside the pages of the book and to order your copy. This is a great gift for the holidays! In a world where our children are bombarded with the need to "prove" their beliefs, what greater encouragement of proof is there than a little boy who was able to experience Heaven. If you haven't read the adult's version make sure to order your copy as well!


For those of you who did read the book, I hope you shared with me the excitement of Colton's revelation of Jesus. When showed portraits of Jesus, he just kept saying, "It's not right." Then, after coming across the Prince of Peace portrait of Jesus he stated, "That one's right." The exciting thing about his revelation was not just that he provides us with a "visual picture" of what Jesus truly looks like, but that the portrait was drawn by 8 year old Akaine Kramarick. She is a child prodigy, literally amazing, but the great thing about her work is her testimony. She was growing up in a home with an atheist mother and a "lapsed" Catholic father when, at the age of 4, she began writing poetry and producing art based on "divinely inspired visions". The best thing was that this portrait also bore strong resemblance to the Shroud of Turin presented in the History Channel's production of "The Real Face of Jesus". This was a 3D representation of an image taken from what is believed to be the burial clothes of Jesus. Skeptical, intrigued, however you may feel about it, there is no denying that it's exciting.

Akiane's Portrait of Jesus
Colton said this one's "right."

On another blog discussing this topic I came across this comment I had to share. Thank you, Joe Campanini, for your wonderful testimony!

On July 23 2009 I broke my neck in a swimming accident of the coast of New Jersey, I was slammed to the sand by a wave and knocked unconcsience, my lungs were full of sand/water and debris…my 12 year old son who I was boogie boarding with noticed my board but did not realize I was attached to it, he acted quickly and pulled me out by my feet, the first responder was an orthapedic surgeon, I was in a coma for 6 days…the reason I’m writing this is I have described in great detail of a man coming in my room, I was on my left side but felt his presence as he entered, I turned to see him and he responded…I saved your life…I put out my hand to thank him but never felt it…I will never forget his face and have described it in great detail to many people….I have never seen Akiane’s portrait of Jesus, but when I opened it I fell to my knees and began to cry…………

Thankful for the Hardest Thing

I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands.
For you are who you are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands, and though
my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm.

We all have our testimonies, the things in life God has used to glorify Him. Some are triumphs, some are trials. Some are amazing blessings, but some come with unfathomable heartbreak. Today, on Thanksgiving, I praise God for the hardest thing: Tragedy. For the life taken before it really had a chance to begin. For a little boy, who glorified God more in his death than most ever will in a lifetime. In these moments when we cry out "Why?" but already know the answer.

My friend lost her firstborn son, Scout Russell Secrist, 3 days before her due date. Delivering him still on December 26, 2008. A beautiful life that some would consider lost, but that we know was purposed for the Kingdom. Jesus holds this little boy, loving him perfectly, until his mommy and daddy can finally hold him again and see his beautiful smiling face. And because of this little boy many new souls will enter into the throne room of God. Scout, I am so thankful for you, for your testimony, for the hope you brought to so many. I am thankful that in time of such devestation God showed up, God healed lives, and God brought life even through death.

Praise God for restoration, for healing, for life continued.
Rusty and Katye with their beautiful family,
Scout's loving siblings, Deacon and Charli Kate.

Living upRIGHT in an upside-down world

It's especially hard in this day and age not to notice how like-minded Christians and non-Christians are becoming. Obviously, if we as Christians are to have the "mind of Christ" how can our standards line up so closely with those who have not chosen to follow Him? We immerse ourselves in this culture. Watching the same movies, reading the same books, listening to the same music, going to the same places. We quote scripture to back up these choices, "to be in the world," claiming that that is what we are doing, that we are in the world while denying that we are really of it. So how can we really be in and not of? It really is all about denying ourselves, and accepting the mind of Christ. Dying to ourselves daily, and picking up our cross to follow Him Luke 9:23. So how can we use Facebook, a website that in even the best of times promotes vanity, Pinterest, a website that promotes greed and envy, and Google, which provides so much information at the click of a button with no filter to sift through it all, with the mindset of Christ.

These sites, like money, are not "evil" in and of themselves; rather, it is what we choose to do with them that sets us apart. Do you see Facebook as an opportunity to witness or to show off? Do you use Pinterest as an opportunity to be creative, find fun activities for your children, enrich your life, or do you use it as a way to think of all the things you do not have but wish you did? Do you Google with a filter of Scripture, or do you accept whatever information you find as truth? Do you rely on your self-help books or do you rely on THE Book? Do you need advice on finances? Did you know there are over 800 scriptures covering the topic of money? Trouble with your marriage? Why not seek what the Creator of marriage has to say about it? And there truly is no better guide to parenting than the one written by our perfect Father. What book can better tell you what to do with your life than the book written by the One who is the meaning of life? Not to say we should not listen to the godly counsel of others. God intended for us to encourage, teach, and hold each other accountable, but He did not intend for us to worship each other's opinions, to seek first our friend's experiences, or to keep our Bible on the shelf while fervently studying someone else's opinion of the Scriptures.

The only way we can live upright in an upside-down world is to take captive every thought, turn over the desires of our heart to God, adopt the mind of Christ, and seek Him in everything that we do. And we need to hold each other accountable as the Scriptures tell us to. We need to allow grace for those who are not yet mature in their faith, but we need to make sure that these claims of "Christianity" are not damaging the Kingdom of God. We need to grow each other up in the Word, and we need to separate ourselves from the teachings of this world. We need to immerse ourselves daily in the study of Him. We need to start recognizing the difference between upside-down and right-side-up.

When is Trust not Enough...

What is the #1 thing we value most with our relationships? The one thing that, if it were to be compromised, would cause the most damage? If I were to take a poll I'm positive the overwhelming majority would answer TRUST. A marriage torn apart by poor decisions cannot be repaired until trust is restored. Feeling damaged by harmful words said by someone we thought we could share our hearts with, friendships lost, all because we have lost the ability to trust. So how can we expect to have a fullfilling relationship with our Heavenly Father if we do not trust Him? How can we claim to be believers if we try to take our lives into our own hands because we don't trust the God of Creation to do it for us? If we trust ourselves and other men, but not God, who do we really worship?

What reason do we have not to trust God with our future? It reminds me of God's plan for my own family. With endometriosis I was told my junior year of high school that it may be difficult for me to conceive or carry a child. When we were married we immediately wanted a family, but didn't believe it would happen any time soon. However, 3 months later we found out we were pregnant with our precious Maddox. At my first appointment we discovered I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Praise God for this pregnancy because that was what brought this to light (I honestly don't know if I would have gone in for a routine pap smear anytime soon had it not been for the pregnancy. I was only 21 and had no reason to even think about cervical cancer.) I was very concerned about what this meant for the future, but praise God the cells were completely flushed from my body with the delivery of my precious baby boy and I have had negative pap results for the past 3 years! After the birth of our daughter I began having serious pain that we felt was related to the endometriosis. After a procedure, it was revealed that I have a prolapsed uterus. She told me I may be able to still carry a child, but because of the severe pain I needed to have a hysterectomy as soon as we made a decision. I was so thankful for the precious blessings of my son and my daughter and was completely satisfied with my life. I was put on the strongest birth control available as we discussed what we were going to do. I decided it was best for my children if I had the procedure so I wouldn't have to miss out on their lives because of the pain. I had called my doctor to schedule an appointment to talk about having a hysterectomy, but it turns out I really needed an appointment to check on our newest precious life. During the first trimester with Kason I began having severe bleeding, and they found placental lakes (where the placenta had attached to my uterus). It was a very scary first 20 weeks. Every night I would sit in the shower and cry out to God. This meant I would need a cesarean hysterectomy, which I wasn't scared of since I had already mentally prepared myself for a hysterectomy before, but it also meant there would be a chance of significant bleeding for me and my life would be at risk. With 2 children it's hard not to think that I may have only had 9 more months to spend with them. Miraculously (after already having 5 separate ultrasounds to check on the placenta issues) my 20 week ultrasound was clear. The placental lakes were gone! This is not something that happens. It was a completely mind-boggling moment for me. I was finally able to breathe and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy delivering a healthy baby boy the way I had wanted with no surgery and an in-tact uterus. She even checked my uterus after delivery and said everything felt great as far as prolapse goes and I have had no further pain...With such strong evidence of God's power and provision how can I NOT trust Him?

The Duggar's announcement of a 20th child has stirred up a righteous fire in me. I am heartbroken to hear Christians say leaving their family in God's hands is "selfish", a "cop-out", "a way to keep from making hard decisions", "irresponsible", and on, and on, and on. Well, I say to them, what makes you think you know better than God? Where in the Bible does it say God needs our help in making His decisions? God places personal convictions in every one's life. Frankly, the only irresponsible thing in NOT putting EVERY decision in God's hands. The only selfish thing is chosing Our way over GOD'S way. And who are we to tell someone they are being "irresponsible" for following the call God has placed on their life. How can we have any sort of relationship with God if we don't TRUST in Him and instead we continue to rely on ourselves?

Mommy Confessions

At the end of one of "those" days this is the list of things I wish I could tell my kids...



No, a granola bar probably isn't the "ideal" breakfast, but it will keep you full long enough for me to wake up, peel myself out of bed, and drink my coffee.

It doesn't really take me that long to use the restroom, I just needed a break.

Facebook is not more important than you, but I need a little "adult" conversation before I can answer that question for the 80millionth time.

I know you aren't tired and don't need a nap, but I do so time for bed.

I really wish that you knew how to read by yourself, so I don't have to read the same book to you over and over and over and over...

Yes, I was excited when you pooped on the potty, but only the first 15 times.

You are doing a great job, but can I just do it for you so we can get this over with.



But even at the end of "those" days, the one thing I want my kids to know the most is, "I love you and even if tomorrow is the same as today, I can't wait to wake up and do it all over again."

Where Do We Go For Inspiration?

One of the things I love about Facebook is noticing the trends among my friends' posts. It amazes me the "familiarity" they all have! One of these trends is the new "inspiration" quotes people have been posting. I look at these and think to myself, "What in the world do they think is inspirational about that?" But over and over and over these get posted on people's walls. These quotes are "touching" lives, "changing" opinions, "making a difference" but they are all so...WRONG...some more obvious than others, some great on the surface, but one thing they all have in common is they fall so very, very short. Here's the one that really made my heart cry out inside of me

What if the words we find so "inspiring" are wrong?

Oh, how I wish everyone had the freedom to realize the deception of these words. Perhaps the reason I had such a strong reaction to these words is because of the recent events surrounding this blog (esp my first post). The personal attacks for my beliefs, the rift it has caused in certain relationships, the fact that it has shed light into areas that I had been able to keep covered in darkness and ignore. But through all the harsh words, the tears, and perceived truths that were being revealed as lies, God began to reveal this falsehood to me. The lie that had been planted who knows when. The lie that what others feel or think about me should effect my beliefs, my happiness, my view of myself. Enduring weeks of constant attacks from someone who felt my beliefs were "harmful to mothers" who felt it was a sign of "mental instability" who took it as a "personal attack on her" was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Then to have certain other "Christians" in my life side with her had cast me into a state of insecurity. This lie that had been planted in my heart that if someone is "hurt" by my words then my words must be wrong, the lie that if others "disagree" with me then I must be wrong, the lie that my beliefs should be influenced by others opinions of the "truth". Lies, lies, lies. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ 2 Corinthians 10:5.

 Here is a small snippet of one of the countless messages received and how God was able to use it for postive in my life...

"You just aren't using your gifts. No one will hear your message if it's oozing with judgement and condemnation...you are turning people off left and right. Have you received any positive feedback on your blog--at all? I am positive you are totally lying. I know several women that have told you that parenting is hard and that it's not okay to say it's not -- strong Christian women that are devout. And your blog has five followers as of today. I'm a mental health clinician and when you're ready to admit that you need help, I hope you seek it. Lying (even to strangers) is not only an unhealthy habit, but being untruthful is preached against in the Bible. I really can't say anything else to you, but I am terrified of people on the edge like you and I'll continue to watch you in order to protect my family."

It makes my heart race and tears well up in my eyes to even read this again, to think about the other messages, to think how she (whom I have never met) and others (some of whom I have) have tried so hard to not only change what I believe, but put an end to my sharing it. The accusations of judgement are the worst since anyone who knows me, knows that my heart is so far from that. But as my pastor helped me to realize these attacks had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with my actual content, there was no truth behind the words that were being thrown at me. It is all about their feelings, their problems, their misconstructions and defenses, their misunderstanding of the truth. I pray no one has to endure such criticism, such personal attack for sharing their beliefs, such pain as I did through this, but if you do I pray that you can remember what it is that God was able to scream through my pain...My beliefs are not dependant on your view of the truth, my opinion of myself is not based on what you think about me, my happiness is not dependant of how you treat me! I know that this was God speaking into me because it was the last thing that was going through my head at the moment. Do not listen to the world when it tells you that your "attitude is based on how others treat you." Cling to the promises we have in Christ, hold on to His truths, use Him as your source of inspiration and you will not be led astray.

My Real-Life Fairy Tale Ending

1 Peter 3:1-4, 7"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
I grew up hearing the fairy tales, dreaming of my Prince Charming, and writing out my list of "Characteristics My Future Husband Must Have" which always seemed to bear a resemblance to whichever guy I had a crush on at the time. One thing I never really believed was that God would bring me "The One". I brought onto myself a marriage with someone I was not equally yoked to. I entered into a marriage with a man I loved, but wasn't aware until after we were married the difficulty that would come with a marriage between two people in two totally different points of faith. The first year was hard, harder than I could have ever imagined, but we were IN it. Divorce was not and will never be an option for us. When we made our vows it really was forever for everything. During year 3 (which was already 2 babies later) I made a decision that I was going to turn every aspect of our relationship over to God, including my husband's faith.

My husband is my everything to me and I never would have imagined there would be someone who could complete me in every single way. I'm an English brain, he's a math brain. I'm very outgoing, loud, and spunky while he is the very definition of laid back. I'm the designer and he's the executor. In every single way we are total opposites, but in a way that makes the other whole. When we're watching competitive shows on TV we always say to eachother, "We can totally do that." But we both know that the only way we could do it is together. There is such freedom in a relationship with a person who doesn't require me to be everything, but to only be what I am. He brings everything else to the relationship, but it wasn't until I put "me" aside and gave everything up to God that it all started to become clear. It wasn't until I put "me" aside that God could shine through. And God loves when we give it up to Him to He can show His power. God loves to turn the ugly and dirty to the beautiful and priceless. God took a marriage of hurt, jealousy, pain, and expectations, and turned it into a marriage full of joy, freedom, love, and partnership.

This past Valentine's Day I received a handmade card from my Beloved. A card was all I have asked for every year since we were married. Most wives want jewelry or chocolate, but all I wanted was to know my husband's feelings for me in his own words. Inside this card was the words that changed my view on my marriage forever. Inside was the proof that God has done a miraculous work in my life. Inside the card my husband (who is a man of so few words) wrote:

"Let me start by saying the very reason for everything I do is you! There was no real drive in life before I met you. There was no real God, there was no True love. There was no light when the sun rose and no comfort when the sun went down. How lucky was I to get all those things in one package of You? Only I will know! And everyday I think about you and your gifts of Love to me, I thank God for being who he is and for letting you be who you are! I look forward to our kids everyday. I know you prepare them for me while I am away. And of course I look forward to all our projects you plan. I Love You."

I will cling to the promise I found in these words for the rest of my life. I will cling to the promise that if I turn my marriage over to the Lord, and follow God's commands to me regarding my role as wife, God will do His work...and do His work He certainly does! God has brought to me my real-life Prince Charming, but it took me getting out of the way for the fairy-tale ending to come true! Wives submit to the role God has for you as a wife, follow His commands, and turn it all over to Him. Then sit back and watch what God has in store for your life.

Ephesians 5:21-28 "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."