Whom Shall I Fear

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

As mothers there is one thing that seems to grip us from the moment we find out we are pregnant. It is there through our pregnancy, it is in the first moment we hold that baby in our arms, it is in the first moment our baby tries to do something on their own. It is not pride or joy, it is fear. It grips us so tightly that sometimes we can't even breathe. It holds us captive to everything it is that we want to do, to everything we wish we could do.

We've all had that gripping moment of panic. Our child disappears for a millisecond on the playground, our husband isn't answering his phone and he was supposed to be home thirty minutes ago, we're about to be apart from our baby for the first time. The world starts spinning, voices just mumble together, a step-by-step worst case scenario plays through our minds in alarming detail. Our child has been kidnapped and we will never see them again, our husband has been in a terrible accident and now we will be left to live our lives alone, something awful will happen to our baby while we are gone and there is nothing we can do about it. The fear grabs a hold of us and it seems almost impossible to escape it. It is irrational, it is unstoppable, it is torturous.

Well, I will ask a question that was posed to me today: What is your biggest fear? Mine is that something will happen to my husband, to my children, that I will lose my family. So what if that happens? I will be devastated. Then what? I will probably not be able to breathe, not be able to stop crying, not be able to even get out of bed. Then what? I will miss them every single second of every single day. I will be useless. I will have no purpose. I don't know how I would be able to go on living. Then what? I'll probably lose all of my friends because I won't even want to talk to anyone. I'll push away my extended family. Then what? Well, I guess I couldn't continue that forever. So, eventually, no matter how long it takes, I will have to pick myself up, figure out what it is I need to do now, and keep going. What eternal result does this worst case scenario have on your life? None, in the end God is still God, life still happens, and I am not the one in control.

Yes, fear is a tormentor, a ruiner of lives. I would even argue that fear is even more powerful than the actual thing we are fearing. I've heard that fear is the guard that keeps watch over our idols. How in your face is that? In those times I fear harm coming to my children it is because I am placing my feelings for them above God. I am forgetting that they are God's children, that He holds them in the palm of His hand, the He has the ultimate good in mind. Whenever I see fear in my life, it is a red flag that I need to cast it out and examine what idol it is guarding. I need to make sure I am keeping the proper perspective, the proper priorities. Fear is not a sign of love, a sign of caring. Fear cannot be equated with those things or we will destroy the very relationship we are trying to protect.

Psalm 91: Security of the One Who Trusts in the LORD.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust!”
³ For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.

⁵ You will not be afraid of the terror by night,
Or of the arrow that flies by day;
⁶ Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Or of the destruction that lays waste at noon.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side
And ten thousand at your right hand,
But it shall not approach you. ⁸ You will only look on with your eyes
And see the recompense of the wicked.
⁹ For you have made the LORD, my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place.
¹⁰ No evil will befall you,
Nor will any plague come near your tent.

¹¹ For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
¹² They will bear you up in their hands,
That you do not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread upon the lion and cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample down.

¹⁴ “Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name.
¹⁵ “He will call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
¹⁶ “With a long life I will satisfy him
And let him see My salvation.”

When is Trust not Enough...

What is the #1 thing we value most with our relationships? The one thing that, if it were to be compromised, would cause the most damage? If I were to take a poll I'm positive the overwhelming majority would answer TRUST. A marriage torn apart by poor decisions cannot be repaired until trust is restored. Feeling damaged by harmful words said by someone we thought we could share our hearts with, friendships lost, all because we have lost the ability to trust. So how can we expect to have a fullfilling relationship with our Heavenly Father if we do not trust Him? How can we claim to be believers if we try to take our lives into our own hands because we don't trust the God of Creation to do it for us? If we trust ourselves and other men, but not God, who do we really worship?

What reason do we have not to trust God with our future? It reminds me of God's plan for my own family. With endometriosis I was told my junior year of high school that it may be difficult for me to conceive or carry a child. When we were married we immediately wanted a family, but didn't believe it would happen any time soon. However, 3 months later we found out we were pregnant with our precious Maddox. At my first appointment we discovered I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Praise God for this pregnancy because that was what brought this to light (I honestly don't know if I would have gone in for a routine pap smear anytime soon had it not been for the pregnancy. I was only 21 and had no reason to even think about cervical cancer.) I was very concerned about what this meant for the future, but praise God the cells were completely flushed from my body with the delivery of my precious baby boy and I have had negative pap results for the past 3 years! After the birth of our daughter I began having serious pain that we felt was related to the endometriosis. After a procedure, it was revealed that I have a prolapsed uterus. She told me I may be able to still carry a child, but because of the severe pain I needed to have a hysterectomy as soon as we made a decision. I was so thankful for the precious blessings of my son and my daughter and was completely satisfied with my life. I was put on the strongest birth control available as we discussed what we were going to do. I decided it was best for my children if I had the procedure so I wouldn't have to miss out on their lives because of the pain. I had called my doctor to schedule an appointment to talk about having a hysterectomy, but it turns out I really needed an appointment to check on our newest precious life. During the first trimester with Kason I began having severe bleeding, and they found placental lakes (where the placenta had attached to my uterus). It was a very scary first 20 weeks. Every night I would sit in the shower and cry out to God. This meant I would need a cesarean hysterectomy, which I wasn't scared of since I had already mentally prepared myself for a hysterectomy before, but it also meant there would be a chance of significant bleeding for me and my life would be at risk. With 2 children it's hard not to think that I may have only had 9 more months to spend with them. Miraculously (after already having 5 separate ultrasounds to check on the placenta issues) my 20 week ultrasound was clear. The placental lakes were gone! This is not something that happens. It was a completely mind-boggling moment for me. I was finally able to breathe and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy delivering a healthy baby boy the way I had wanted with no surgery and an in-tact uterus. She even checked my uterus after delivery and said everything felt great as far as prolapse goes and I have had no further pain...With such strong evidence of God's power and provision how can I NOT trust Him?

The Duggar's announcement of a 20th child has stirred up a righteous fire in me. I am heartbroken to hear Christians say leaving their family in God's hands is "selfish", a "cop-out", "a way to keep from making hard decisions", "irresponsible", and on, and on, and on. Well, I say to them, what makes you think you know better than God? Where in the Bible does it say God needs our help in making His decisions? God places personal convictions in every one's life. Frankly, the only irresponsible thing in NOT putting EVERY decision in God's hands. The only selfish thing is chosing Our way over GOD'S way. And who are we to tell someone they are being "irresponsible" for following the call God has placed on their life. How can we have any sort of relationship with God if we don't TRUST in Him and instead we continue to rely on ourselves?