The End of the Journey of "Me"

I'm so thankful you stuck around with me this month as I shared some things about myself. For someone who can talk so freely, I cannot even believe how difficult I found it to share at times. The topics were definitely harder for me to come up with and the posts were a lot less frequent, but it was another great month for me. A month of learning, a month of growing, a month of sharing. I'm just thankful that no matter how much I learn in my life and how far I've come there's always room to learn more, to grow more, to be more. So I'll close out this month with the main things you will figure out about me, just in case you haven't noticed a trend already.

My #1 goal in life is to learn at least a little bit about everything. I have no need to be an expert and no desire to be completely perfect in one area. I think that's the main reason I absolutely love being a mom. I can learn right alongside my children, grow with them, and just have fun. Being a mom is all about the ability to do a million different things. And the best part about it is not having to do everything perfectly because my kids appreciate me just for making an effort. If I were to be honest, the main reason I want to homeschool is so I can continue to learn the things that I missed out on while I was in school.

My #1 fear is that no one will come to my funeral. I cannot wait for the day I stand before my Creator face-to-face, and I live my life in a way that I can be confident in that. I dream of hearing Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I use every ounce of talent, strength, love, and all the powers He has equipped me with so I can stand before Him and say, "I did all I could, and I did it for you." To me, the earthly equivalent to hearing God ask, "Do you  not know what you could have done while you were on Earth," would be to have no one show up at my funeral. It's like the world telling you, "You didn't do enough." I want to live my life with such calling that when I'm gone there is a noticeable absence. I'm not saying I want fame and fortune or to have my name written in History books, I'm saying I want to have touched people's lives in such a way that it is not forgotten by them.

My #1 love is my Lord and Savior. Strangely, this is one I have to work on daily. As a wife and mother there is a constant battle with my flesh to keep God first. It is hard not to put my husband and kids above the Lord some days, honestly probably most days. This is also a mental struggle for me. Growing up with a mom whose mental illness manifested itself with "religious themes" I have struggled greatly with talking about God, hearing people talk about God, and how great of a role God actually has in our life. One day I will post about how and why I have these struggles and what I have learned from it, but for now I will simply say this...although I do have to work to keep God the #1 focus in my life, He definitely is #1, and I hope by the way I live my life, the things I post, and the words that come out of my mouth that even though it is something I have to work for, that it is not something that anyone can doubt about me.

Baby Dedication Sunday!

Today at church we dedicated our little family to the Lord, it is the perfect ending to a month filled with stories about myself and my journey. A reminder that no matter what happens, my life and my family are in the hands of an Almighty Savior. I praise you, Father, for these many, many blessings you have entrusted to me. I turn my babies over to Your hand and I will raise them according to Your will and not my own selfish desires.

Here are the life verses we have chosen for each of our children.

Maddox Gabriel
7lbs 10oz 20in

For my sweet Maddox. Born 3 years ago making me a mommy, and through his journey with autism making me a fighter. For such a loving boy that when you talk to him you swear he talks to Jesus face to face. The day he chooses to ask Jesus into his heart will be no surprise to me. In fact, I truly believe Jesus is already there, residing in the sweet spirit of a boy who already loves the Lord with everything he has.

2 Timothy 3:14-15 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

Eden Alexandra
7lbs 11oz 20in (at 36wks)

 For my beautiful Eden. When she was born 2 years ago, she taught me the most valuable thing about love, its amazing ability to multiply. She is truly radiant. From her shining blonde hair to her sparkling blue eyes to her huge, perfect smile everything about her just lights up the room. She has her mommy's love of music and a giggle that will make you promise her the moon. She lives her life like it's a musical, singing every word. One day, she will make a man fight for her with all he has then she will reward him greatly by giving him her heart.

Proverbs 31:25-26, 30 She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Kason Everett
7lbs 14oz 22.5in

For my precious Kason. My sweet miracle baby, the one we almost did not have. As he clings to me with all his might, I cherish every single moment with him knowing that all too soon he will be clinging to his wife instead. Every day of these last seven months have brought a fullness to our family that I didn't even know was missing. The love that continues to grow amazes and humbles me every single day. I pray that he never feels like he is anything less than perfect.

Proverbs 4:20-27 My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight; keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.Keep your mouth free from perversity; keep corrupt talk from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

The ABC's of Me

Authentic
Blessed
Called
Dedicated
Enthusiastic
Faithful
Glass-Half-Full
Homebody
Imaginative
Joyous
Kind-hearted
Loving
Motivated
Natural
Observer
Peace Keeper
Quirky
Responsible
Sensitive
Traditional
Upright
Vivacious
Willing
eXcitable
Yearning
Zealous

When I was in middle school, the youth group did an ABC challenge. We sat in a circle and starting with "A" said a descriptive word about ourselves that started with the letter we landed on. I, of course, landed on "V" and could not for the life of me think of a word. Someone told me to say "voluptuous", so I did. Everyone burst out laughing. I had no idea why. I guess had I known the definition at the time I would have laughed too since I was the least voluptuous person in the whole world (and I still am). Since then I still love to do ABC challenges. Sometimes I'll do things I love about myself, or things I struggle with, or things that have changed about me. Even though I'm still not voluptuous, a lot of things really have changed since middle school. One major thing is that I no longer have my "Harry Potter" look (as my hubby so lovingly refers to it). Just to give you a mental picture, I had a bowl cut and big, round glasses. Yes, of all the things to say about myself, a word that conjured up an image of "desire" in the minds of others was as far as I could get from what people really thought about me. I'm so glad that I have grown out of that awkward phase, physically at least, and I am so glad that I am still growing. I praise God for the fact that I am constantly changing, constantly maturing, constantly learning.

Though the sorrow may last for the night, hope comes in the morning...

Last night I was having one of those struggles that seems to reach into the depths of your soul. One of those struggles that seems to try to unwrap the binding God has placed on old wounds, that picks at the scabs of our almost healed heart, that pokes and prods and picks at all of our sore spots. The mistakes of the past mixed with the joy of the present and the hope of the future. It was one of those struggles that made me want to curl up in bed and not come out until it was over. One that made me want to just pray that it would go away, that it was just a bad dream. Praise God that as I woke up this morning I felt nothing but joy, nothing but peace, and nothing but hope. I woke up with this Psalm on my heart and on my lips. The Word of the Lord wrapped itself around me, covering me in truth and comfort. Sometimes it's almost silly how certain things can effect us, how they can make us feel so defeated. Sometimes I feel it's not even worth my time to dwell on it, but I cannot stop the flesh inside me from reacting so strongly. It is in those times when God binds, God heals, and God restores. So He will continue to work in me, to bring up in my life those things that are not complete, to comfort me in my weakness and show His strength.

Psalm 30

¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
⁷ LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
⁸ To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”
¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Life is full of upside-downs and inside-outs

Baby dedication Sunday. A day when we will present our family to the church, dedicate our children to the Lord, and ask our church family to join us in raising our family up in the way God has called us. It is a day that symbolizes the choice we made from Day 1 to give our children up to the Lord and to follow His will for our family. It has taken three years for us to find a date that works for baby dedication. We either had something scheduled, missed the deadline, or I had just had a baby the few times they have done it. This time we were free from commitments (and fresh babies) and we were able to register by the deadline! I was so excited, let all of our family and friends know, and very painstakingly picked out their life verses so everything would be a perfect representation of our feelings for giving them up to the Lord. But when we showed up for the preparation class who was there, but my ex-boyfriend and his wife...

I could just feel myself being tested, pulled in a thousand different directions, struggling to hold back the tears and the very literal vomit that I felt. In my heart, I pray that he truly is this man of God she described. I pray that the mistakes he made with me do not haunt him today, and I pray that he has a truly amazing relationship with his wife and his baby. But as we are sitting here talking about our children being raised together in our church, holding each other accountable as a church family, and the important role we all play in each other's lives I just wanted to run from the room, run from the church.

I'm not going to pretend that my feelings in this matter are godly. I'm not going to pretend that this is easy or that this makes sense. This is a very painful struggle. One that may very well be a test to see if I have truly forgiven, or one that is a test to see how much I can withstand. I don't know. All I know is that God knows. All I know is that I need to fall on my knees before the Lord for strength to make it through this. That, hopefully, this will be a success story to tell my children one day, and a warning that the things of our past do impact our future. But in that moment I couldn't see beyond the past, I couldn't see beyond the pain.

I can only pray that I will be able to share later an amazing victory that has come out of this. I pray that God will wrap His arms around my fragile heart and carry me through this time. If nothing else, this serves as a great reminder as to why it is God who is the leader of my family, a reminder as to why it is God who holds my children in His hands. Because I in my flesh am so very weak, and without His power I am an utter failure. If nothing else this is a reminder that life does happen, and that our mistakes have very real and very unforeseen consequences. If nothing else, this is a reminder of how to be truly godly, how to love those who have hurt us beyond what we can bear, how to show the love of Christ when we cannot love ourselves. If nothing else it is a reminder that life is never going to be perfect, that sometimes we just have to deal with the upside-downs and the inside-outs.

Aren't these moments of the drudged up past such a great reminder of forgiveness? I sit here struggling to hold his past actions against him, yet I pray that no one would ever hold my past actions against me. I truly have forgiven him, I truly have. I was told that one of the signs of true forgiveness is wishing the person who caused you harm the best. Being able to picture them and not wishing harm upon them. And I do, I do wish him happiness in his family, joy with his children, and I pray that he has grown up into a godly man. I do not want to still see him through my eyes of hurt. I need to see him through the filter of God's grace.

Our past does not determine our use in the future. We are all great reminders of this, and I am surely the greatest. If the actions of my past determined how well I would do in the future, I should give up now, but we do not give up because God does not give up on us. Our lives are a constant process of growing, changing, being molded into who He wants us to be. There are things in my past that would hold me back from even speaking in public if I let them. Why do we lavish grace upon ourselves for our past mistakes, but use these mistakes as shackles in the lives of others. We use them to hold these people back to keep them from growing. God forgive me for ever allowing past mistakes to cloud how I view a person today. God forgive me for praying that others forgive me of my mistakes, but not allowing myself to forgive them.

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

This is where I am in my life...Bible Study...

Lately, I've been feeling God's conviction...such a dreaded word...about my Bible studies. You may ask, what exactly would God convict me about when it comes to Bible studies? Yes, I was doing studies of the Bible, but even that can be done in a way that does not glorify God's will. It started out as just as a way to meet other women, for some time for the kids to play with other kids, for me to have some adult conversation. Then it turned into an easy way for me to have my daily quiet time. With daily lessons it was easy to get into the habit of my daily quiet time, it gave me something to look forward to, and it held me accountable since I had other people to talk to about it. It was great, but I started hearing God tell me, "You're not there yet." So I made sure I dug even deeper to the studies, making sure I read every Scripture that was listed with the text, made sure I did the study every day, and I was getting so much out of it. Yet again, "You're not there yet." So I began to pray why am I not there yet? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do to get there?

A few months back some friends and I were talking, and one friend mentioned how excited people were when they handed out taped recordings of the Bible on a recent overseas trip. He told us how they would gather for hours to listen to the Word of God being read aloud to them. He said, "Maybe in church we need to just play the Scriptures aloud so that people will actually hear them, since they are not reading them." And I (well, I'm pretty sure it was God because I don't know why I would say anything like this) said, "Only if there's a Bible Study in there by Beth Moore or something. That's the only way they would even listen to Scripture." GASP. I know! I was just as surprised that it came out of my mouth as you are! I love Beth Moore, I love her studies and they bring me deeper into the Word. Why would I say that, especially about someone that I love so much, personally as well as professionally? Why would I say that about someone whom I quit my studies in college, prepared to leave family and friends, and was ready to begin my life in a completely different state, just to learn from her how to do what it is she does so many years ago? But, here I was, in a group of people, and I had just said that...out loud...yup, that's why it had to be God. The funny thing was, no one looked at me like I was as crazy as I felt for saying that. No one even acted like they heard anything as ground breaking as what I felt had just come out of my lips. A lot of them said, "You're exactly right." Then we continued with our conversation.

I'm pretty sure they didn't find it to be as earth-shattering of a confession as I did because they were not doing what I was doing. They were not depending on Beth Moore or other amazing, godly teachers to actually tell them what was in Scripture. They actually were reading the Bible on their own. They actually were studying Scriptures from their own perspective, not just a study on one aspect of certain Scriptures, they were actually asking God to reveal these things to them, and not for Beth Moore to reveal them. Don't get me wrong, Bible studies are great, but how do we study the Bible on our own without someone else telling us how to do it? Are we listening for God's revelation of Scriptures for us personally, or are we depending on what He has revealed to someone else to guide us? Am I studying God's word, or am I studying the word of someone else?

That led me to the place I came to last week. Feeling like I should maybe "give up" my Bible studies for 30 days and just purely study the scriptures. I felt like if I gave up my Bible studies then I would be totally dependant on the Bible, on God's voice to teach me, but I never had a peace about that thought. Like I've said in earlier posts, God speaks to us through peace, through affirmation, through confirmation. I just wasn't getting any of those things from this idea about a 30-day Bible study fast. I was confused if it was because I selfishly didn't want to give up my time with such wonderful friends, or if this idea, which could have so easily been something God was calling me to, was actually from the great deceiver. I decided to go to the new Bible study we started at church for our mom's group since I just wasn't feeling a continuous call from God on the 30-day fast. It is on James, so I figured that since it was focusing on a particular book of the Bible that would at least allow me to study the Bible rather than just doing a topical Bible study. But I soon learned that God would use this Bible study, and ironically enough Beth Moore herself, to fulfill this call to study the Bible itself.

Not to even get into all of the details the past several months that have been pointing me in the direction of studying Scripture, of committing it to memory, of digging so much deeper than I ever imagined, here is what is going on in the new Bible study we are working on that just brings to a conclusion all of the convictions God has been laying on my heart. The absolute most exciting thing about this Bible study is that my mommy friends all over the country have begun this study within a week or two of each other. To have women collectively studying and digging deeply into the word of God, and to be studying the same book of the Bible at the same time, I cannot even begin to imagine the party that is going on in Heaven and the anger that is going on in the heart of the deceiver. Not to mention the idea that women everywhere will be coming together to actually memorize an entire book of the Bible, it just gives me goosebumps. God has been calling me to something beyond just a Bible study and daily "homework" assignments. He's been calling me to dig into the Word and to memorize Scriptures, so imagine how shocked I was when we began discussing this new study and I learned that that was exactly what we would be doing! Of course it starts off like most of the studies we've done. It has the video of the teaching and the daily homework assignments. God does know me well enough to know that I need that for my daily discipline, and I believe Satan knows me well enough to know that if he was able to pull me away from this study that I would have fallen into a pit of despair and loneliness trying to study the scriptures on my own with no accountability (I'm so glad that I was able to recognize that God's hand was not in the doubts I had begun to have about this Bible study). But beyond the teachings and the daily accountability it goes deeper, and exactly into the areas I felt God leading me to.

After the videos and daily studies, is handwriting the book of James. That is something I had done as a child and throughout college. It is also something I have strayed from since having children because I got busy and once I started my studies I didn't even think of writing out more than the occasional verse. What a great reminder God has given me to continue to do the things that are so important to my walk, to continue through each new phase of my life, and to continue to diligently seek Him. In this study we are also given the opportunity to memorize the entire book of James as we study. What an amazing culmination of the convictions of God. And to participate in this with women that I love and who will hold me accountable is the greatest joy in all of this. I am so excited about this new study and I can't wait to continue this journey with such amazing, godly women who have supported me, guided me, and encouraged me through everything. But God's conviction about my studies (notice I said studies) did lead me to the place of having to leave one study. This study is leading me exactly where God wants me to be, whereas another study was leading me farther and farther away. It may sound odd to say that a Bible study would actually lead you away from God, but that is exactly what can happen, and it can happen for so many reasons.

I encourage you to really evaluate where your studies are leading you. What are you learning from them? Are you growing not just in your relationships with others, but growing in your relationship with God? When you finish your study can you sit back, look back on where you were before you started, and see God's handing guiding and directing you through it? And most importantly, where does your study line up with Scripture? Is it more the words of man (or woman) than the actual word of God?

Good Morning, Sunshine!

My number one goal as a mom is to inspire my kids, to make lasting memories with them, and to make sure that they enjoy life. But I realized this morning that sometimes I get so caught up in making plans that I miss the little moments. In fact, not five minutes ago, I was checking emails and saw the schedule from one of my mom's groups. It had our playdate schedule attached and it was scheduled until May. I had to stop for a minute. I had to stop when I looked at this schedule with dates for four months from now. I had to stop because I couldn't even imagine what we will be doing in four months, what my kids will even like to do, four months seemed like a lifetime. It struck me that so much can happen in four months because just this morning, as I was waking up, I looked around and couldn't even believe the change that has happened in the past few months.

I woke up at 6:30 to my beautiful two year old cuddling up next to me asking me for blankets. I tried to move the blanket and when it didn't move I realized my three year old was sleeping on top of it. My six month old started wiggling in my arms trying to find the pacifier that had fallen out of his mouth sometime during the night. It was right then that I just had to stop and enjoy the moment. I watched as my beautiful babies slept, watched as their beautiful long eye lashes started to flutter when they were dreaming,  and my heart was so full. When they woke up we played "I Spy" (yup, right there in the bed), then we played a game while we made breakfast (eating things that only started with the letter "G"), and as I put them in the tub to give them a bath my six month old joined them in the big tub (sitting up by himself, splashing his little heart out, and laughing right along with them). When did this happen? When did they get this old where I can do things like play "I Spy" and alphabet games and I have three littles in the tub pretending to swim?

I really needed that this morning, especially when I checked my email and saw the playdate list. My morning was just a little reminder that it doesn't take a playdate to have fun with your babies, just play. You don't have to do anything to make them grow up, they do that all on their own. Sometimes when you're so busy planning, so busy rushing out of the house to get to the scheduled playdate, you miss out on the moments that fill your heart. So, yes, we will go to play dates, but we don't have to make every single one. We will plan our activities, but sometimes we will do something different. I will keep a schedule, but enjoy the days when it doesn't go exactly as planned. And I won't miss out on these beautiful, wonderful, heart-filling moments while my babies grow up.

I don't want to do anything today...let's just be lazy!

The Sweetest Thing

Me and my bubba right before
he left for the Marines.
This was right before baby #1 was born

My Bubba is one of the most important people in my life. We had a strange childhood, rough at best. People always comment about how close we are as siblings, but if you have a father who's easily prone to anger and a mentally ill mother I guess as a child you have no choice but to band together. I absolutely love my parents, and I am very close to them now, but I just can't pretend that it was an ideal childhood. The great thing that came out of it was learning how to grant true forgiveness, learning that people really can change, learning the art of caring for someone who can't care for themself, learning about what it really means to be there in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. On the new facebook timeline I was looking back when I first joined. It was neat to look back through the years, even neater when I found a post from 2007 about my brother that I figured I would share. This is a story about the first time he had to leave us and we were unable to contact him.

My brother left for the Marines on Sunday. We've always been so close, and he's always acted more like an older brother rather than acting like the little one. I remember when I went to watch him speak in chapel about everything we've been through with our family. He started crying before he could even talk, so I ran up onstage and pulled him off and just hugged him. I remember his teacher telling me that my little brother talked about me all the time and he could tell he just really loved me. My favorite memory is when I had a dream that he died, so I ran into his room just to make sure he was breathing. He told me to lay down and said he would stay awake all night and hold me so I knew he was still alive and could feel him breathing (even though he fell asleep in like 2 seconds). I've never felt closer to him than when I found out I was pregnant. He's so excited about being an uncle. He would call or come by to check on me every day, but now I can't even text him just to say hello. Today when I got back home Rob handed me a letter from some man in South Carolina. I had no clue who it could be so I opened it and saw a $5 bill. Out fell a tiny torn off piece of paper that said, "Take this off my hands for me, it's for the baby. I love y'all" It had our address on the back which I thought was weird. So I opened up the big yellow piece of paper that was also in there and found another note from someone I didn't know. It said, "I sat next to your brother on the plane from Dallas to Savannah. He wanted his new nephew to have this $5. Your brother is doing a wonderful thing serving for his country." 

My Bubba met my son when he was 2 months old. He was so upset over missing the birth that he got a tattoo on his bicep representing all of the things he felt he would have to miss because of his commitment to the Marines. I had never seen a tattoo more beautiful. He has missed the birth of my other 2 because of deployments and he now has a beautiful daughter, whom he was not even able to meet until she was 4 months old. He was definitely right when he said he was going to miss things. He's not the same little boy who was my brother. He is now a man who has seen, experienced, and done more than I will ever know. He is different, but I will still always be his big sister who cherishes him and who is more than willing to pull him in my arms and just hug him whenever things get just a little too hard.

A Call to Sing

Continuing on the journey about "me", I want to share one of my greatest passions. One that has nothing to do with the wife and mother in me, and one that has everything to do with the God who lives in me. Worship through music. It can literally change your entire perspective. It can make a sad spirit happy, an overwhelmed heart peaceful, and a hurting body refreshed. As a worship leader, music may be more a part of my life than most, so I'm sorry if some days it seems like I'm just taking the easy way out by posting music. It's just that, for me, music reveals so much of where my heart is at that moment. It's like the saying, "The eyes are the window to your soul," well, music is the window to my soul. I've been singing my entire life and a worship leader since high school. Leading at school, conventions, our church youth group. It was a dream, the opportunities that I had, the travel I got to do, and the people I got to meet. It's been a great aspect of my life, one of the greatest callings. To bring others into the presence of God, to be able to be so transparent, to be a part of such a personal aspect of someone else's relationship with God. To watch the faces as they cry out to God, to see the hands raised higher and higher as they try to get closer and closer to God, to see the tears as people receive forgiveness, peace, and joy that they know they do not deserve. There are times I have to just stop and bask myself in the presence of the Lord. In those times, getting just the tiniest glimpse into what Heaven will be like when all believers gather with the angels around the throne of God and cry out "Holy, Holy, Holy."

The greatest thing about worship is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you because it is 100% about God. Psalm 100 A psalm for giving grateful praise.¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. ² Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. ³ Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. No matter what your day has been like, God is still God and He is worthy of our praise. There is never any reason not to worship God. He has granted us everything we have in our lives (James 1:17), He has provided us access to Him (John 3:16, 1 Peter 3:18, Psalm 23:6)

It is about sincerity. If my heart does not desire Him, does not desire to worship Him, does not desire to fellowship with Him, then it's just not going to happen.  Leading on Sundays for me is a reflection of my worship life throughout the week. Worship reflects where our heart is at the moment, there is no hiding our emotions. It is about welcoming the presence of the Lord, wherever you might be. Psalm 42 For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah. ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? ³ My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” ⁴ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God...If you have a minute to read through and reflect on the entire chapter of Psalm 42 please do. Even the spiritual giants in the Bible, like David,  felt and understood those moments when we feel so far from God.

I know it's not technically "leading worship" when it's on a blog, but here is my attempt. Join me in a song as I cry out to God...my heart's cry to Him! God, some times, most times, things are just too hard for us. We praise you and we thank you that You ARE and that You WILL. We ask you, God, to reveal Yourself to us in these moments, to wrap us in Your protection, to cover us in Your peace. What little we have left of our broken lives, we offer it up to You, God, to do with what You will...

"You're My Best Friend, Mommy"...

...Nothing melts my heart more than when my son grabs my face so that I look him in the eyes when he utters those beautiful words. There is a trend of being your children's "best friend". It is about not disciplining them too much because you don't want to alienate them, about acting like their friend so they will "trust" you, about being the "cool" parents. I grew up around a lot of those parents, and trust me it did not lead to a strong relationship, it led to children being completely in control of every decision. I also grew up around parents (my own) who were convinced that being my "friend" was the opposite of what they should be, and that led to me making no decisions at all. So, here's where I stand, I want my child to tell me "You're my best friend," but I want ours to be a true friendship, not a fake one. I want to discipline my children out of love, not anger, and I think I'm heading in the right direction because many of the times my son grabs my face and tells me that I am his "best friend" is after I have had a good chat about what he is doing wrong. I want my kids to trust me, but not because I have faked them into it. I want them to trust me because from the very beginning I have been honest and open with them and told them they can be honest and open with me. I want to be the "cool" mom, but not because I'm the one providing the beer and buying the skimpy outfits. I want to be the "cool" mom because I teach my kids what being cool really is all about. And, yes, I want to be their "best friend" because there is no one else who will have their best interests at heart or who will desire to see them achieve more than I do. I want to be their biggest encourager, a shoulder to cry on, their greatest confidant.  That is what being a best friend is all about.

We camped out for 24 hours at the
Chick-fil-A grand opening. Every time
we pass it my kids shout, "That's where
we camped for the first time ever!"
They still talk about everything we did
that day, and I will never forget.

I want to be their best friend now because I want them to be my best friend later. They will only be my children for so long, then they will have to be my friends or I won't have them in my life anymore. From the very beginning I have always tried to include my babies in everything. I get a lot of comments like, "They aren't going to remember it anyway," or, "You don't have to do everything with them." No, they may not remember it later, but they remember it now, and they feel it now, and it shapes who and what they are, and it shapes who and what they think I am. No, I don't have to do everything with them, but I want to. I honestly, truly, 100% want to. And my question is, if I don't do it with them now, then when do I do it? When will they be old enough? When will it be ok? When they are teenagers and I'm begging them to talk to me? I want them to talk to me now. When they are moms and dads and I want them to trust my advice? I want them to trust me now. So, yes, I will be their best friend now. And, hopefully, when they grow taller than me, and more successful than me, they will still look me in the eyes and tell me, "You were always my best friend mommy."

Patience is a Virtue...but is it one of mine?

Have you ever been told not to pray for patience? I have, and I know it's because patience is just not a very fun thing to have to practice. It usually requires going through some pretty hard things to get to the point where you truly are patient. Well, here I am going through a trial of patience and I didn't even pray for it. I am actually a very patient person. Sitting in traffic for 2 hours? No big deal, I'll catch up on the news. Waiting in the doctor's office for 3 hours while she delivers a baby or two? Finally, some peace and quiet to read a book without the kids interrupting. My husband doesn't have a job? Oh, well I will wait on the Lord because He will provide. I am realizing that I'm not as patient as I thought. I'm just selfishly patient. I'm mostly patient when it's convenient to be patient.

When I'm in the middle of something and my babies keep interrupting me I'm not patient. When I'm sitting here in constant pain, still waiting for test results to come in and getting no answers I'm not patient. When I ask my dear, sweet hubby to make me a sandwich and it takes just a little too long I am not patient. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. I. AM. NOT. PATIENT. Oh, I may still have more patience than most people, but I am not perfectly patient in every situation. And patience has been becoming a lot easier in the past few years with the situations we have dealt with, but I am obviously just not there yet. Yes, I'm a pretty patient person, but I do still have work to do. So this requires God to bring me through trials, to refine me, to bring to the surface my weakness so He can remove it from me. I am not always patient, and God is bringing to my attention the times that I am not patient and that I am not patient in Him. And He is bringing to my attention the reasons why I am only "sefishly" patient.

I am patient when the situation is so far beyond my control that there is nothing I can do, I am forced to be patient. But I am not patient when I feel there is something I should be able to handle myself. I am not patient because I am still trying to be in control. I am patient when it is in my best interests to be patient. Some peace and quiet, time to do something for myself, of course I can be patient then, but I am not patient when it is uncomfortable. I am not patient when it is something that I feel needs to be done now. I am not patient because I am selfish. I am patient when I can see the bigger picture, but sometimes there is no bigger picture. I cannot be patient when I am taking two steps back every time I'm trying to move forward. I'm not patient because I am not perfectly trusting. Nope, I am honestly not very patient at all, and I obviously have work to do in some other areas as well. 

God, I know they say, "never to pray for patience," but you desire that of me. I know that it may mean trials, even more than what I face now, but if that's what it takes to make me patient then I am willing. I may not be ready, but I am willing. God, grant me patience by removing in me my need for control, my selfishness, my lack of trust in you. Bring to the surface all of my impurities and wipe them away. Make me as pure as gold refined in the fire, and bring me to perfection in You. Amen.

What I Want My Kids to Learn from Me...Marriage

There's a reason the words are in this order...
Live, Laugh, Love

Never underestimate how hard marriage is. Yes, there are a lot of good times, but even those only come from the work that you put into the bad times. You know how you feel about your brother and sister some days? You will have those same feelings about your spouse too. They are in your space, they know too much about you, you have to compromise when you don't want to. That's why it is so important for you to learn now how to play with others. Make sure you marry your best friend, and make sure you play together every day. Learn how to be a team, to work together, to laugh at yourself and each other. It makes the hard times easier, and it makes you want to keep trying to get through them. Romance comes and goes, but friendship will last throughout the good times and the bad. It gives you someone to live your life with and to enjoy the little, everyday moments that seem so mundane. If you marry your best friend, you don't need a date night to connect with your spouse. If you marry your best friend, you will reconnect through every situation every single day. If you marry your best friend, life is fun and your family time is a party. Never underestimate the value of marrying your friend!

We sat in the stork, and 9 months later Maddox joined our family...
maybe there's more to the story than meets the eye

Don't try to plan out your lifestory, just live it while it happens. The most enjoyable moments in marriage are the ones that are unexpected. If you are busy trying to live your life by the bullet points you have set, you will miss out on what life really has in store for you. Be flexible, be willing to change your plans at a moments notice, and learn to go with the flow. Remember that you are not perfect, but never stop striving to be your best. The greatest freedom is learning to give up what you want in your life and allowing God to take control. Allow God to take your marriage and turn it into what he has planned. Allow Him to make the big decisions for you, and trust Him with it. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He wants great and wonderful things to come from your life. Don't settle for a marriage that the world sees as great, strive for a marriage that God sees as amazing. If you think God will do wonderful things with you, just imagine what He can do with the partnership you have formed with another person!

Every July 4, we go to a game together.
Marrying a baseball player, I rarely get to enjoy the game WITH him.
It's nice to connect doing something he loves and I love supporting!

Enrich your life together with traditions. There is nothing more important than forming lasting memories together. Make traditions that bring you closer together, give you time to get to know eachother better, and, most importantly, have fun. I hope that as I strive to form traditions with you, that you will enjoy them so much you want to use them with your own family. But never forget to make your own traditions. The traditions I make for us are important to me, so go ahead and make some traditions that are important to you. And if you could pass along my name, so I become the cool great-great grandma B, I'd appreciate it!

There's no better way to see the beauty of God's creation
than to enjoy it with the one He created for you to enjoy it with.

There's not one perfect person for everyone, until you're married. Don't ever settle for less than what you desire, but don't waste your life searching for the "perfect" person. No one is perfect, and even those who you think are, you will soon learn that they are not. When you find someone worthy to spend your life with and make the committment to each other, then that is when God's seal is placed on your life together, this is when they become "The One". When you make the vow to remain with each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, so long as you both shall live, mean it. It's not just words, and from that moment on, no matter what, you are meant to be together. Divorce is not an option. The hard times will come, but fight through them as if your life depends on it...because it does. And when you make it through, because if you both fight for it you will make it, you will be better together than you were before. Do not ever doubt the power God has to transform your marriage, I have seen it first hand. Do not ever doubt if this is the person you are meant to be with. There are no "what-ifs" or "if it were so-and-so" there is only now. You made the choice, so stick by it and do not back out, ever.

Nothing will prove how great of a team you really are than
children. Nothing will make you as strong of a couple as dedicating
yourselves to the common goal of raising a family together.

And if you are as lucky as we were, and God blesses you with children, dedicate your life to them. Recognize the fullness children bring to your family, how they bind you together, how they make you an even stronger team than you were before. I never even knew what true love was, until God gave you to us. Children change your entire life. They make the trials worth it, the future seems brighter, and they will reveal the nature of God to you more than you could ever imagine. Marriage is just the beginning, family is what happens when the dreams of marriage come to fruition. It may be hard, and it may not come easily, but it will be the most important thing you will ever do with your life if you chose to give your family over to God and dedicate your life to making that happen. Follow God's will for your family, for your children, and you will have the greatest impact on the world any person could ever have!

The 90th Day

It has been 90 days since I published my first post. 90 crazy days that included 50 days of harassment for my beliefs, 30 days of constant physical pain, 10 very hard things, and 1 call to do something entirely beyond myself. Here is an excerpt from the book I am writing to chronicle this experience, a call to write that I felt on day 60 of this journey,

"I guess I should have known from Day 1. That was the day I actually published my first post, the day I began getting harassed for my beliefs, the day I realized this wasn’t going to go the way I thought it would. That day changed my life in a very real and unexpected way. That day I wanted to shut down the blog before it even began, to just give in, to take the easy way out. Why I actually didn’t, I can’t say for sure. Hope maybe? But the lessons I learned those first few days, from a group of angry, misguided strangers, set the tone for the rest of my posts, and it was the opposite of what they wanted. But I know that it was exactly where God wanted me to be, and I know now He used them to do it. I should have known right then that there would be more to this journey than I ever imagined."

How I should have known... The truth is, what I have been going through these past 90 days is just the beginning of this journey. Have you ever felt like God was leading you somewhere? Has it ever been somewhere you were afraid to go? I should have known that very first day. Although, I guess that's one of the mysteries of how God operates. If I would have known, would I have even attempted this blog in the first place? Probably not. And I would still be in the same place I was 90 days ago. A place of comfort in my beliefs, a place of routine, a place that was bound to lead me to where I am now except I wouldn't have the great benefit of the things I have learned along the way with this blog. I knew from the beginning that this blog was more for me than anyone else, I just didn’t realize how much more. It was God’s way of speaking to me, leading me where He needed me to be and being able to use these things the way that He had purposed. I will continue to follow Him where He wants me to go…no matter how hard it may get…

I'm Not Perfect...Thus I Blog...

I mean, I think that is rather obvious don't you! There is nothing about me that is "super" and there is nothing that I do that you can't do yourself. This blog is really more of a "personal journal" that I hoped God would use to encourage women. I say it's a personal journal because every post, every verse, every topic is all about me and where I am. My struggles, my successes, what God has spoken to me. I still have to act on everything I write. Just because I know it's the truth and I know it's what's right, doesn't mean I always do it either. But one thing I've learned these past few years, and especially these past few months, is how God can use my imperfections for His glory. Here's a little overview of what God has actually taught me through my own blog, or, rather, what He has taught me because I made the decision to be obedient to Him when I started this blog and was willing to share His message instead of my own.

I was going to share the regular stuff. My family, breastfeeding information, activities for the kids. Usual, "boring" stuff. I wrote up a few posts, including one that dealt with the Bible Study I was in (Beth Moore's Fruits of the Spirit study) and shared it with some friends. They thought it was great, so I decided to go ahead and post it, figuring maybe, maybe, 50 people would read it. I started with the post about my Bible Study. Let's just say the reaction was less than welcoming. The details are not important, but it got very, very messy. Add to that I was silently dealing with a miscarriage while trying to take care of a three month old and two toddlers. I thought I had made a mistake, bitten off more than I could chew, strayed from the "purpose" God had called me to. But in the midst of it all God spoke. In the middle of the storm, God came to me and held me. He didn't calm the storm (in fact, it raged for months, and has only recently calmed to a light drizzle), but He calmed me, and He used this trial to teach me more about myself, more about my ministry, more about others than ever before. So now, even though my blog isn't full of the information I thought it would be, even though it isn't as "fun" or as "me", I realized that God wanted to do something even better with it. Even if at the time it didn't feel like it was what was better for me. I don't know if I would have learned these things about myself if I had stuck to my original plans for the blog. I would not have met the amazing women that I have in the process and received such encouragement from them. I would not have learned who my true friends are. I wouldn't have discovered so much about my own personal beliefs. I know for a fact that I would not have been able to touch so many people's lives with my posts. But God can...and He did...

I have most recently learned not to compare myself to others. That my worth is not dependant on how it relates to someone else's greatness or how I am viewed by others. Which is really great because I fail every day in so many different areas. I can do a lot of things, but I can't do it all. And those areas that I struggle in can so easily become stumbling blocks for me. Luckily I can take my struggles and turn them into encouragement. I am messy (seriously, take a look at the before picture!) I struggle with being a good wife, I struggle with being gentle, I have my own mommy confessions. I have a hard time saying yes to my kids. I live a not-so-perfect life. But I can also overcome the mess, I can work on using gentleness, I can be a YES mom. I know it sounds so easy when I put it that way, but it is a daily journey becoming who it is that God has called me to be, the good thing is I can do it. The good thing is I am made perfect in Christ and God is working me towards that perfection every single day.

I know, there are a TON of links in this post (click on the red wording to open a link related to that phrase)! I don't expect you to be able to read all of them (although I wish you would). Just think of this as my year in review! I wanted to make sure I put the links in to make sure you knew exactly what I was talking about. Hopefully, you can get to know me a little better. To be able to see my heart. I pray that God reveals and works in you the same as He did in me through this blog so far! So, let's continue our journey together as I take a little glimpse into the future...

My Journey: Our Engagement

Praise God we made it to a new year (well, hopefully, since I'm writing this in early December and I guess there's still no guarantees)! BUT if we are reading this we made it to a new year! Our engagement story was not glamorous like I had always pictured it (I may have watched one too many cheesy 90's love stories, but I refuse to admit it), and it took several conversations with my hubby to really get him to share all the details about why he proposed the way he did. But, when I look back, it was perfect. It was cute and thoughtful and personal, just what a proposal should be. It was a perfect representation of who my husband is, and what he wanted our life together to be about. And, well, it reminds me where we were in our relationship at the time and how far we've come when I think about it. Plus, I got a pretty gorgeous man (and ring) out of the deal...

We had gone shopping for rings several months before. I am not one of those people who likes to be surprised. In fact, I kind of loathe it (I know, it's another weird thing that I don't understand about myself and I'm working on...) Luckily, my hubby knows me well enough to know that the ring is not something that he should pick out by himself. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved the meaning behind whatever ring he picked out, but, well, maybe I had read too many bridal magazines or something and I already had some pretty solid ideas about what I wanted. Honestly, shopping for the ring together was almost as special to me as the proposal itself (and not even because of the actual ring). I loved the look on his face while we looked for rings together, the shock he got a few times when they brought out a ring that was a "little" too extravagant, and the pride in his eyes when he told the jewelers why we were there. It was the first big decision we made together. It was a special time for us to spend together. And those of you who actually like surprises will appreciate the fact that my hubby didn't give in to me 100%, he still had to surprise me a little bit (it's all about compromise right). He made me pick two rings that I loved then he went back later and picked out which one he wanted. This drove me nuts because even though I picked out two I really only liked one of them! I would even dream about one particular ring, and it drove me nuts not knowing if that was the one he picked. I couldn't ever bring myself to tell him that I loved that one so much more just in case he picked the other one!

Since we went shopping for rings together, I knew it was coming. Maybe the only downside to shopping together that he hadn't considered was the fact that it took him a little too long after that to actually propose. After Christmas, when he didn't propose, I had convinced myself that he had changed his mind since it had been a couple of months. One night after enjoying a night out we sat in his parents drive-way while I cried and asked him if he still loved me (thank goodness I am a more confident, patient person than I was then!) He gave me the most beautiful speech about how much he loved me, what I meant to him, and how he wanted to spend his life with me, but I just needed to wait. I later found out that this was the speech he had prepared for the proposal and if I had just waited a couple of days he would have been able to say it under "more pleasant" circumstances, but, well, that's the way real life works out sometimes. Sometimes it's not as neat and tidy as you see it in the movies. On New Year's Day at dinner with my family he proposed to me. While he was talking my sister's boyfriend's mom screamed and hollered with excitement the whole time, I was actually looking at my sister asking her, "Is he really doing this," and my brother had gone to the bathroom and missed the whole thing. Again, messy, not perfect, and actually pretty funny. I still tease him about not getting on his knee, and he says it's a good thing he got to tell me his speech earlier since I wouldn't have heard it anyway if he had used it during the actual proposal.

The great thing about our proposal was how real it was. We are not super romantic, mushy people. When we try we just end up laughing about it because it feels so cheesy and unnatural. We are not extravagant. We are simple home-bodies who enjoy spending time first and foremost with our families. And that's exactly what the proposal was about. He proposed on New Year's Day because he wanted it to represent a "new start" to our life together. He did it surrounded by family because he wanted me to know how important it was that they were a part of it. AND he actually picked the perfect ring!!! Although, that surprise was ruined the same day he proposed because right before the big moment I went to check his truck to get something and found the receipt (I promise I was not purposefully looking for it!) Since the rings were from two different jewelers I knew which one he picked, and I pretty much figured out he would probably be proposing that day. But, again, that part of the story is just so us, since I really do hate surprises.

Looking back I learn a lot about myself through our engagement story. A lot about expectations, about my own personal flaws, about our relationship. I can see where we were (my own immaturity at times) where we are now (some things I still struggle with). I can remember how much we loved eachother then, and sit here in amazement when I realize how much more I love him even now. Think back on your dating/ engagement story. What can it teach you about yourself? Look at how far you've come. Whether you believe you've gone forward or backward, it's amazing how differently things end up when we look back.

The Start of a New Year!

Today is the end of 2011 and tomorrow begins 2012! God has been so good this year, not because everything in my life has always been good, but because God has always been there. To orchestrate every plan, to work it out for the good of His Kingdom even when it doesn't feel like it's for my own personal good, to bury me in His love and His grace even though it is the last thing I deserve and, sometimes, the last thing that I even want. To have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to require greatness, who will bind my wounds no matter how painful and restore me to Him even when I try to turn away through my hurt. A God who became human to understand every single human emotion I face, and who did it all perfectly as an example to me. To have a God who sacrificed His very self to save me, a wretched sinner, because He still desires to be with me. For everything God has given me, even if I never received anything beyond my salvation, I owe Him my life.

I hope you were as encouraged in December as I was by the testimonies of others. The stories I was ale to share of trials, victory, and purpose. For the month of January I figured I would go the opposite direction and focus on myself. Although, I would never want to go back, and I'm definitely not one of those people who says "I wouldn't do anything differently" because, trust me, there's a lot that I would do differently if given the chance, I love taking the time to look back on my life. To see where I've been, and where I am now. To look back and have the opportunity to realize things that I never noticed before. So, in the month of January, the start of a new year, I will be taking a journey back. To remember where I was, so I can see where I am now. To look back on the good and the bad things that have brought me to where I am today. To take the time to examine the facric of my life and see exactly where it is that God has shown Himself. I hope you'll take this journey with me, and allow me some grace to talk a little (or a lot) about myself.

So here we go! Here is my story. A story of love, loss, mistakes, trials, and victories! Tomorrow is the first stop on my journey, my engagement story. As I celebrate the 5 year anniversary of the day I decided to spend the rest of my life with my husband I hope you will join me!

Merry Christmas! From my family to yours!

Sometimes There Are Just No Words...

No words to describe the blessings. No words to describe the pure love and joy that I feel whenever I look into the faces of my beautiful children. Yup, it's pretty much indescribable...

1 John 3:18 Dear Children, Let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and truth.