Thankful for the Hard Things

This Thanksgiving I challenged myself to truly think about what I am thankful for. For 25 days, to journal as many things as I can hoping to reach 250 things on my journey to 1,000, until I reached the point where I was truly thankful in all things. Along the way, I realized how awkward I felt lifting everything up to God, but found such freedom in the worship that came with vocalizing, journaling, and bringing all of my circumstances to the Lord in thanksgiving. I reached a point where giving thanks in even the hard things became more natural, where I learned to give thanks for the most precious gift God had given me but I had never brought before Him. And today, on Thanksgiving Eve, in preparation for my 25th Day, I will thank God for the one of my hardest things: Autism.

The journey through diagnosis and healing has not been an easy one, but who am I to be thankful for only the easy things? Who am I to discount the power, the testimony, the beauty, that comes from the trials? Who am I to tell God that when he created my beautiful baby boy that He made a mistake? In fact, if there's one thing I learned through this journey it's the perfection in His plan, including autism. If ever I was given the choice to change my son into the world's version of "perfect" I would not think twice. I would not think twice because the answer would be, "no." Why would I want to change who my son is? Just because it is difficult? Just because he's not "normal"? Why would I change the perfection that is my autistic son, just because the world does not see him as perfect?

Autism is the reason I love my son.  I do not love him in spite of his autism, I love him because of it. I love his Independence, his "engineer" mind, his quirks. Is it hard when he doesn't make eye contact, when he tries to hurt himself or others, when he didn't speak for the first 18 months of his life? Yes, but every parent deals with difficult behavior, does it mean they love their child any less?  Why would his behavior effect my feelings for him? Why would his autism make me love him any less? In fact, the things I love about him the most, the things that make him unique, are all attributes of his diagnosis. I love how he took my double stroller apart and I couldn't put it back together (what 2 year old knows how to successfully use a screw driver?) I love how he has such a teacher's spirit, spurred on by his therapies. I love everything about this little boy and everything he has brought to my life.
So today, as I thank God for the hard things, I will thank God especially for my son, for autism, for God's perfection brought to us in imperfect packages.

I am fearfully, wonderfully, and PURPOSEFULLY made

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We know all the lines, but do we remember the impact of these words? When it came time to form man, God did not just speak us into existence. God took his very own hands and formed us, then He breathed life into us. God created us out of an act of pure joy and love. Revelation 4:11 says that we were created for his "pleasure" (KJV) and for his "will" (ESV). Amazing. We were created for God's pleasure! How great is that. So what about all of those times when we think He has made a mistake with His creation?

When our first son was born it was AMAZING! I mean absolutely, I couldn't even breathe because it was so beautiful, amazing. I actually watched with a mirror as our baby was born (as I have with each of our children) and absolutely nothing could have prepared me for that moment, but as soon as we got settled into recovery I began to notice little things. His eyes would roll around. He never looked at me. But he was a newborn and the doctors said he was perfect. Still, I knew in my heart that he had autism and it seemed the confirmation came more and more every day. The doctors continued to say he was perfect. He was "just a boy", he was just "distracted", he was just "too focused", on and on and on. But I knew. He began to hit himself in the head constantly. He banged his head against the wall, his bed, the floor. They said it was from the fluid in his ears. They told me it was too early for any child to get a diagnosis of autism, but despite what they said I knew.

Finally, after the birth of our daughter I had to do something. He was 18 months old so he was "borderline" on whether they would diagnose him or not. Luckily, our neurologist is amazing and she agreed that by giving him the diagnosis early we could begin to try getting the treatment he needs. Most parents are afraid of the diagnosis. Afraid of the stigma. Afraid of the label that they believe will follow their child around for the rest of their life. But I knew the only way we could get him the help he needed was to admit he had a problem.

The strange thing was I had known literally from his birth that he has autism. But I still remember when our Neuro (who happens to be a dear, dear friend) looked at me and said, "Well, he definitely has autism." All of the air was removed from the room, my heart literally stopped, and I don't think I breathed for about five minutes. I walked out clinging to him for dear life sobbing. I probably scared every single person in the waiting room. You would have thought my child had been given a death sentence, but in my mind it was much worse. In my mind, he had already died. This little boy that I loved with all my heart had died. No, not physically, but he was no longer the little boy I knew.
Especially with being diagnosed so young, it could go two ways. It could A) be a sign that he is just so non-functioning that there is no hope or B) we caught it early enough to be able to get the diagnosis completely removed in several years after very intensive therapies. Can you take a guess which one my mind flew to?
He was gone. My little boy had no hope of a future. No hope of ever being the little boy that I thought he would be. And there was no hope for me to have the life with him that I always imagined. I mourned this loss for what felt like a very long time.

Fast-forward to me getting out of the self-pity trap and into action mode (which surprisingly happened about 2 days after his diagnosis). We began doing as much research as possible on everything we could. We began massive amounts of therapies and diets and found out as much as we could about his condition.
I remember looking at the test they use to diagnose autism. A person is required to have a certain number of symptoms in a certain number of categories. He had most of them. I began to have another pity party when I saw the overwhelming amount of symptoms he had. But I remember so clearly as I was looking over the symptoms something just awakened in me. He had always been this way. He had been this way from birth. In fact, when God knitted this baby boy in my womb he was this way.

So why did God make him this way? God doesn't make mistakes does he? Maybe God didn't make him this way, it was just a genetic fluke? Maybe God doesn't make disabled children so much as He just allows it to happen? NO, God formed this beautiful, autistic boy in my womb with every plan and purpose for him already and that included his autism. Jeremiah 1:5-8 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, Before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you to the nations." Alas, Sovereign Lord, I said, I do not know how to speak, I am only a child. But the Lord said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a child' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue  you." This is so great because A) it shows God knew us from the very beginning of time and B) He did not allow Jeremiah any excuse because he was who God made him to be and God was with him. WOW. Immediately after that realization, my attitude changed.

I cannot even begin to explain the verbal hurt we faced from others. The "I'm so sorry", "Oh, how aweful for you", "That's such a shame", "What are you going to do", on and on and on and on. Finally, I just started telling people I LOVE his autism. The weird looks I got could literally knock you over. But it is 100% true.
In fact, the things I love about my son like his organization skills, his constant desire to learn, his conversation skills, the way he notices the little details in everything, the way he's so wonderfully and perfectly him, those things I love so much are all attributes of his autism. And they are not negative things. In fact if you look throughout scripture God constantly called those who had "disabilities" to be used for His greatest glory. So I say, not only did God make these disabled children fearfully and wonderfully, but He made them PURPOSEFULLY.

He formed my son in my womb with the same love and care as he formed Adam long ago at the beginnings of creation. He knit together my son's innermost parts, wispered into his soul the grand plans He has for him, and then he breathed the breath of life into his body.