It's not quite a quiver full, but it's a start!

Monday, December 19, 2011

If I Could Have 100 Years

Last night while everyone was asleep I cuddled with my beautiful 5 month old baby boy. He was nestled up against my chest, little bubbles still on his pouty lips, and a tiny milk mustache. A perfect moment. I prayed something I have prayed so often over the past few years. Ever since my niece was diagnosed with leukemia, when my friend delivered a beautiful but stillborn baby boy, when I found out in my first trimester with Kason that I had placenta previa and was facing serious risks with delivery, when my friend's mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. When I began to realize just how short life really is, when I realized that no matter how we live our life there's just no guarantee. That was when I began to pray this simple prayer,
"God, there is nowhere I would rather be than in your presence. There is nothing I would cherish more than to view your perfect kingdom, to have no more sorrow, no more pain. But, Lord, I will have eternity with you. So please allow me just 100 years here on Earth. 100 years to face trials, but to watch my family grow. 100 years to witness pain and sorrow, but to be able to provide comfort and love. 100 years is but a breath compared to forever, so please grant me this one small request. I don't need wealth, I don't need fame, I don't need anything but time to be with my family."
I prayed this prayer, as I always do, when in the midst of a beautiful moment. With my baby's hand wrapped around my finger, with a heart full of love. In a beautiful moment when the fear strikes that I may not have many of these moments at all. When I realize that my family may make beautiful moments without me. And when I realize this, that is when I pray for 100 years. But as I prayed last night I felt that stirring in my know the feeling when God is trying to tell you something that you might not want to hear. He said,
"Would you still want 100 years, if it was filled with persecution? Would you still want 100 years if your mind was foggy, if your body gave out, if you became a burden to those you love? Would you want 100 years no matter what, or only if it were to be filled with happiness and love and joy? What if I could do more with you in 1 year than I could in 100?"
 So now I guess I will add an addendum to my prayer. The "not my will, but Thine be done." Because, in all honesty, I don't know under what circumstances I would really want 100 years. If I could handle it come what may. So, Lord, I would love 100 years if it is your will for me. If not then give me as many wonderful years as I can have, and let me make the best of it!

I guess God decided now was a good time for me to learn this lesson. Since I have been praying this prayer for years and never heard a response. I mean, there is nothing about that prayer that is "sinful". Ok, if we split hairs it is a pretty selfish prayer, but there is nothing unbiblical about praying to live a long life. And I don't think God decided to reveal these things to me because He is against what I was praying. I have no idea if He will grant me a long life or a short one, but I do know that today I received some scary news that makes the idea of 100 years a little less appealing. After suffering with migraines for the past 2 weeks, several trips to the ER, and being completely unable to care for my own children I learned today that though the headaches can be treated (something I've suffered with for years and just need to get back on anti-seizure medication for) the weakness cannot. That permanent nerve damage is going to be a new part of my life. And now at the age of 26 I'm having to get used to the idea of having trouble holding my baby, not being able to use my hands the way I need to sometimes, the fear that it may get significantly worse. And, even though the diagnoses could have been much worse, and, honestly, I was preparing myself, it still may take me awhile to be able to get used to this reality and become comfortable with it. And although I will still gladly take 100 years, it does make me question how I would feel about 100 years sometime in the future.


  1. You have touched my heart with this convicting post. I am always delighted and amazed at how God leads us to what we need, especially in our prayers.

    So sorry to hear about your health issues and will keep you in our prayers.

  2. Sorry to hear of your health struggles. I suffered from migraines in college and it was horrible but they are now under control. Praying for you. Thanks for sharing on the NOBH


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