It's not quite a quiver full, but it's a start!

Friday, January 27, 2012

You Don't Know Me

Hi, you don't know me. I'm the 7-year-old Krista. I'm the one who never really knew what it was like to be a child. I'm the one who had to grow up too quickly. I'm the one who ran away from home and spent the day in my babysitter's dog house. Yup, that's me. Are you jealous? Do you wish you were me? I'm the one who never stayed in the same place for longer than two years, who never really learned how to make friends, the one who had a best friend once but my parents took me away and told me I could never speak to her again. I'm the one who remembers way more than I should have.

Hi, you don't know me. I'm the 13-year-old Krista. You know, the one who used to cry herself to sleep every night? Yeah, that's me. I am the one who was teased mercilessly because my hair was never right, my clothes were weird, my feet were too big. It was hard enough for me growing up, but no one seemed to care if they were making things any easier for me. I'm the one who couldn't sit still in class, couldn't concentrate, had to use the bathroom every five minutes. I was the strange one, I know. Don't worry, even though you told me I was different it wasn't new to me. I had felt like an outsider my entire life. But thank you for pointing it out to me, just in case for some reason I had gotten the strange idea in my head that maybe there was a chance for me to fit in. Yes, thank you for always letting me know where I stood in your eyes. No, you don't know me. I'm the little girl whose mother suffers from serious mental illness, so she kidnapped my brothers and sister and told me that she could see Jesus and that my daddy was the devil. I'm the little girl that had to visit her in that place. A place that most will never have to step foot in and if they did they would run the other way. I'm the little girl whose father thinks I can't do a single thing right and makes sure to tell me that every single day. I'm the little girl that no one wants to be friends with.

Hi, you don't know me. I'm the 18-year-old Krista. I'm the one who has managed to go my entire life without making any lifelong friends. I'm the one who has dreamed of the day I could leave my parents' house forever. I am the one who still has no idea who I am or what I am going to do with my life. Yes, I know Jesus, but just like everything else that just makes me even more different than everybody else. In fact, it's right about now that I am most vulnerable in my life, so, I'm so glad I've found a boy who truly loves me and will teach me what it's like to feel normal. No, you don't know me. I'm the one who still cries everyday, but now it's because instead of my dad telling me I can't do anything right, it's this boy. I'm the one who finally knows what it's like to feel "loved", and I'm realizing that I still feel exactly the way I did before. I'm the one who is starting to doubt that there is a God because surely He would have done something by now, saved me from all of this pain, something, anything. I'm the one who decided I can just do it on my own, that I don't need anyone else because there is obviously no such thing as love.

Hi, you think you know me. I'm the 25-year-old Krista. I'm the one that has all the baggage. I'm the one who has discovered that there really is a God, that there really is love, that my life really is, sadly, normal. I'm the one who has grown out of my awkward phase and into my big feet. I'm the one who finally feels beautiful, and no longer has a man telling me I can't do anything right. I'm the one who has wonderful children, a fantastic husband, a great life. I'm the one who often forgets just how awful it felt to be me when I was younger, at least until I hear someone say, "If I could do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing because that's what made me who I am." That's when I remember exactly where I came from, and I say to them that I would change it all. I would change it all because I would like to be who I am today without all of the mistakes and pain of the past. Who wouldn't? I'm the one who tries to remember the happy times rather than the hard ones, and sometimes I fail miserably at that. I'm the one who strives to have a relationship with my family so the pain of the past can be replaced with something new, something better, something I can be proud of.

But I hope you want to know me. Not the old me, not the insecure me, but the new me. The me on the inside. I'm the one that is alive, the one that has hope, the one that has a future. I'm the one whose wounds are healed. Yes, I hope you want to know me. I hope you want to know me through the eyes of the Creator, because that's how I have learned to see myself. He is the only one who truly knows me. He knows my strengths because He has given them to me, but He also knows my weaknesses and has seen them in action. He knows my past. but cares only about my future. He desires the best for me; He has a plan for my life; He wants to use me, failures and all. Yes, I hope you want to know me the way He knows me. That's the way I want to know you too.

10 comments:

  1. This is so beautifully expressed. Yet so heartbreaking. Sometimes it seems a miracle people make it thus far given what they've been through, but that you have is a testament to strength and endurance. And from what you've shared earlier, even though tests continue, that strength is still there. Last night I found a quote I had written in a notebook that seems appropriate here, not sure who said it: "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer".

    How have you been feeling? I haven't been on the blogs much lately.

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    1. One thing I learned as an adult is that everyone has their past and we all can go one of two ways. It absolutely is a miracle when we make it. That is a perfect quote. Thank you so much for that!

      I've been feeling better, still struggling but it has gotten much better. Still searching for an answer to what's going on, but I'm learning to just be patient.

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  2. You've expressed the hidden girl in so many of us. The one who cries out to be accepted...good enough! I'm so glad I stopped by here today!!

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  3. Wow, you really worked that post. Nice job.

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    1. Thank you Milena! I enjoyed your post as well. I'm glad you stopped by!

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  4. Very intense post. Got to say that you did a great job expressing yourself. Thanks for posting. I've enjoyed reading this post and I also am glad I stopped by.

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    1. I just got done reading yours! Love the timing!

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  5. this is a great post!! I am a new follower!

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Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope you found encouragement and joy from my posts. I would love to hear what you have to say! It is my responsibility to make sure all of the content is uplifting, respectful, and true. Any comments that are viewed as personal attacks, false accusations, and any use of profanity will not be tolerated. Thank you, and please leave a comment that I will be able to post so others can be encouraged through your words as well!